Hi ladies!
I'm new to handbag but a freind of mine recommended that i join as she said the friends she made on here got her through a messy divorce.
Last night my (now ex) boyfriend left our home with a small bag after calling time on our relationship after 4 years and I am totally and utterly devastated.
The last 6 months have been shocking. I had to endure a constructive dismissal case at work which thankfully I won but it took it's toll on me as the atmosphere at work while it was going on was horrnedous, no one would talk to me and people were deliberatly making my life difficult.
I also managed to fail the final module of my postgraduate diploma as work got in the way, I also put on 3 stone as I was so unhappy.
The day the construcitve dismissal case was over, I text my boyfriend to say that we were going out for dinner to celebrate as things were looking up. I had finished my exams (or so I thought as I didn't know i'd failed one of them!) i'd got rid of my evil employer and found a great new job.
Over dinner, I told him that I wanted to spend some of my settlement money on a holiday for us but he said he thought it was too much. I jokingly said that the only reason I could see for us not doing this would be if we werent together long enough to actually go. That's when he said that he thought we might not be. We left the restaurant and came home to talk. He said that over the last few months he had fallen out of love with me and thought it was time we broke up.
I left the house for 4 days and when we spoke at the weekend, he told me that he wanted to give it another go as he knew I was a lovely person and could see that it had been a nightmare few months for me. We talked about the ways we could make things better and I spent the next 2 weeks doing everything I could - taking him out for dinner, we went away for a weekend, cosy nights in etc but he seemed distant. Then on Tuesday, he came home totally drunk and looking guilty so I did something terrible and checked his phone (this isn't something I agree with at all and in the 4 years weve been together, i've never done it before.) and found that he had text another girl asking her to meet him for a drink. I confronted him about it and he said that he met her a while ago and that they had a good laugh and that he was meeting her as a friend but he didn't know if he would like her beyond that.
He left that night and came over yesterday evening to say it was totally over. I've now lost everything. I moved to this area for him, selling my house to help us buy the one we're in now. We've only been here for 10 months so haven't made any money on the house and so 10 years of property ladder climbing has totally gone down the drain. I don't have any friends nearby and I have no idea where to start in terms of selling the house or splitting our shares etc.
Sorry, I know I just went on there but if anyone has any advice, i'd really love to hear it!
Thank you!
Vicki
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Alone after 4 years
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Gosh you have been through the mill a bit
I think you should let him go.. you need to concentrate on yourself atm. Take a break from the whole thing.. arrange to go visit the area where your friends are and surround yourself with them.. clear your head and let them help you form some sort of battle plan for practicalities
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I think you should let him go.. you need to concentrate on yourself atm. Take a break from the whole thing.. arrange to go visit the area where your friends are and surround yourself with them.. clear your head and let them help you form some sort of battle plan for practicalities
.
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Hi lumpy, what a horrible time youve had, youve been through an awful lot recently and Im so sorry its turned out this way
normally, i would say that a relationship should be fought for, but it seems you have no choice, hes made his choices and usually Id think he was a bit of an idiot for making these choices while not communicating, so by the time they get to the stage where hes fallen out of love, you have no input to the process, i'll try and be kind to him in this instance, as you had so much on your plate that maybe he was quietly having these problems with the relationship while you were having monumental pressures at work, so maybe he didnt want to add to your situation, The result of that obviously, is that hes not really given the relationship a chance while there was still a chance - thereby hurting you more, and losing what you had together. The fact hes had this flirtation means that as a person, hes prob not able to deal with a breakdown of a relationship in the way that youd want an open relationship to develop - he had his probs with the relationship and directed them outwards by finding a flirtation. In that case, maybe youve had a lucky escape, as awful as this is, you dont want a man who cant communicate when things start going wrong
re: the house. This happened to me too, about 8 years ago. And youre feeling lonely. Do you have a spare room? What i did was to buy my ex out - which put my mortgage at 6 times my salary, but i self certified and covered the huge mortgage by having lodgers. If your circumstances allow that - is that a possibility? Then you get your mortgage paid (and you can have rental income tax free now to about �4k a year) and you get some company in an area you dont know that many people - plus you might be able to keep your house. I had to pay my ex off 60k which really stuck in my throat as id put down the deposit and everything, but it was a means to an end.
If thats not a possibility, he still has to pay his half of the mortgage - the market isnt great at the mo, but theres so few houses on the market when i sold my house in December, i got asking price, so its not too dire.
But dont worry about that stuff yet - maybe set a date to meet him in 2 months to discuss - you need to clear your head and decide what your options are. If you do have a spare room but cant buy him out, maybe hed be happy to sit on the house for a while till the market picks up if you can get a lodger to cover his part of the mortgage. Theres options, but a spare room really increases those options. If it helps, i thought i was in the same position, but now i have a bigger house in a better area - and at one point i thought id have to lose what id worked for
In the meantime, squirrel your payout away until you have a clear idea of what you want to do, and concentrate on recovering. Make sure you talk to friends and family, and eat well and look after yourself x
normally, i would say that a relationship should be fought for, but it seems you have no choice, hes made his choices and usually Id think he was a bit of an idiot for making these choices while not communicating, so by the time they get to the stage where hes fallen out of love, you have no input to the process, i'll try and be kind to him in this instance, as you had so much on your plate that maybe he was quietly having these problems with the relationship while you were having monumental pressures at work, so maybe he didnt want to add to your situation, The result of that obviously, is that hes not really given the relationship a chance while there was still a chance - thereby hurting you more, and losing what you had together. The fact hes had this flirtation means that as a person, hes prob not able to deal with a breakdown of a relationship in the way that youd want an open relationship to develop - he had his probs with the relationship and directed them outwards by finding a flirtation. In that case, maybe youve had a lucky escape, as awful as this is, you dont want a man who cant communicate when things start going wrong
re: the house. This happened to me too, about 8 years ago. And youre feeling lonely. Do you have a spare room? What i did was to buy my ex out - which put my mortgage at 6 times my salary, but i self certified and covered the huge mortgage by having lodgers. If your circumstances allow that - is that a possibility? Then you get your mortgage paid (and you can have rental income tax free now to about �4k a year) and you get some company in an area you dont know that many people - plus you might be able to keep your house. I had to pay my ex off 60k which really stuck in my throat as id put down the deposit and everything, but it was a means to an end.
If thats not a possibility, he still has to pay his half of the mortgage - the market isnt great at the mo, but theres so few houses on the market when i sold my house in December, i got asking price, so its not too dire.
But dont worry about that stuff yet - maybe set a date to meet him in 2 months to discuss - you need to clear your head and decide what your options are. If you do have a spare room but cant buy him out, maybe hed be happy to sit on the house for a while till the market picks up if you can get a lodger to cover his part of the mortgage. Theres options, but a spare room really increases those options. If it helps, i thought i was in the same position, but now i have a bigger house in a better area - and at one point i thought id have to lose what id worked for
In the meantime, squirrel your payout away until you have a clear idea of what you want to do, and concentrate on recovering. Make sure you talk to friends and family, and eat well and look after yourself x
<span style="font-size:10px;" class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size:14px;" class="Apple-style-span"><span style="color:#000080;" class="Apple-style-span">"I'm not selling you my baby Nato."<
Hi Nato,
Thank you so much for your really sound advice. I really appreciate that.
I do have a spare room so that certainly is an option. I could afford to buy him out of his share of the house as he doens't want anything more than his deposit back which was very little as I paid most of it. I didn't realise there was an option to mortgage so much though. I used one of those mortgage calculators to see how much I could borrow on my own and came out �40k below the mortgage we currently have. I will speak to my mortgage company to see if they will allow me to do though as that would make things so much easier for me.
I'm trying my best to turn this into a positive situation. i've lost a stone already since I left work 3 weeks ago and have a new job so im reall trying to turn it around but it just hurts so much! Everyone, including both our families are so shocked this has happened as we were so happy and were planning getting married etc!
Thank you so much again though for your advice. I really appreciate that.
xxx
Thank you so much for your really sound advice. I really appreciate that.
I do have a spare room so that certainly is an option. I could afford to buy him out of his share of the house as he doens't want anything more than his deposit back which was very little as I paid most of it. I didn't realise there was an option to mortgage so much though. I used one of those mortgage calculators to see how much I could borrow on my own and came out �40k below the mortgage we currently have. I will speak to my mortgage company to see if they will allow me to do though as that would make things so much easier for me.
I'm trying my best to turn this into a positive situation. i've lost a stone already since I left work 3 weeks ago and have a new job so im reall trying to turn it around but it just hurts so much! Everyone, including both our families are so shocked this has happened as we were so happy and were planning getting married etc!
Thank you so much again though for your advice. I really appreciate that.
xxx
Im pm you my mortgage brokers number, i did forget to say though, i did this before the economy probs and they have seriously reduced options like 6 times over salary - my mortgage provider is West Brom and as they are a building society, they are different to banks situations, but still not sure how that works. Talk to my broker, he might suggest some other ideas, if you can afford the payments alone and can give your ex the deposit via your payout, there might be a way of working it out - its worth looking into. See how much rooms are in your area for rentals and see if that would cover as much as youd need. If your payout was decent, you might be able to pay some towards the mortgage after youve paid him off to reduce the payments and reduce the total x salary.
40k isnt so much per month in repayments, so ask a broker what the self certification situation is now
I'm trying my best to turn this into a positive situation
I know youre hurting, but saying this shows your resilience, if you can see positives already, you are doing very bloody well. It can really help to type out how you are feeling as this is a way of organising your feelings and helps with catharsis. Are you sleeping ok? I remember when i broke up with my ex, i watched a lot of comfort telly, box sets of my favourite comedies and stuff and i found that helped with feelings of security. Do whatever you need to do and whatever you feel like doing. But make sure you talk / type, you arent alone x
40k isnt so much per month in repayments, so ask a broker what the self certification situation is now
I'm trying my best to turn this into a positive situation
I know youre hurting, but saying this shows your resilience, if you can see positives already, you are doing very bloody well. It can really help to type out how you are feeling as this is a way of organising your feelings and helps with catharsis. Are you sleeping ok? I remember when i broke up with my ex, i watched a lot of comfort telly, box sets of my favourite comedies and stuff and i found that helped with feelings of security. Do whatever you need to do and whatever you feel like doing. But make sure you talk / type, you arent alone x
<span style="font-size:10px;" class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size:14px;" class="Apple-style-span"><span style="color:#000080;" class="Apple-style-span">"I'm not selling you my baby Nato."<
lumpy . . . what a fabulous decision to join us here - already your life is looking up because we will help you get through this (along with help from your family & friends).
It sounds like you're really having a sh*t time but as Nato said he has made his decision and for the time being all you can do is to focus on getting yourself through this. Nato has given some fab advice and you sound as if you're already making such positive moves in the right directions so keep up the good work and remember that we are all here for those moments when you might be struggling . . . and on here there is no such thing as a long post.
Keep your chin up honey and you'll be seeing the sunshine again soon
It sounds like you're really having a sh*t time but as Nato said he has made his decision and for the time being all you can do is to focus on getting yourself through this. Nato has given some fab advice and you sound as if you're already making such positive moves in the right directions so keep up the good work and remember that we are all here for those moments when you might be struggling . . . and on here there is no such thing as a long post.
Keep your chin up honey and you'll be seeing the sunshine again soon
Hey Dude,
I'd firstly get him to agree in writing (if he hasn't already) that all he wants is his deposit back. I'd then agree on no contact unless absolutely necessary. It's so, so hard to get over someone or even START to get over someone if you are having to communicate with them all the time and after 4-5 weeks of no contact, you start feeling a bit better and then you have to speak to him on the phone over something, you get off the phone and you feel sick and back to square one.
Sooooooo, I'd personally make damn sure that contact is limited.
You say you've lost everything, but by the sounds of it... you still have your self respect and your qualifications - that's great and as for the weight loss... well done, but PLEASE do it sensibly - if you want to feel better, make sure you are doing exercise and not just starving yourself - endorphins will make you feel happier and hopefully take your mind of stuff for an hour or so a day.
Use that settlement money on you.... or at least part of it - book a holiday with chums, go and do something - basically, have stuff to look forward to, so when you have a 'down' moment, you can think to yourself 'At least I have X to look forward to next week / month'
Do you feel up to going to a local class? perhaps salsa dancing or something like that? I've been going with a chum and have had a really good laugh - it's quite easy to chat to a lot of people 'cos you're always moving around.
Hope you feel better soon.
I'd firstly get him to agree in writing (if he hasn't already) that all he wants is his deposit back. I'd then agree on no contact unless absolutely necessary. It's so, so hard to get over someone or even START to get over someone if you are having to communicate with them all the time and after 4-5 weeks of no contact, you start feeling a bit better and then you have to speak to him on the phone over something, you get off the phone and you feel sick and back to square one.
Sooooooo, I'd personally make damn sure that contact is limited.
You say you've lost everything, but by the sounds of it... you still have your self respect and your qualifications - that's great and as for the weight loss... well done, but PLEASE do it sensibly - if you want to feel better, make sure you are doing exercise and not just starving yourself - endorphins will make you feel happier and hopefully take your mind of stuff for an hour or so a day.
Use that settlement money on you.... or at least part of it - book a holiday with chums, go and do something - basically, have stuff to look forward to, so when you have a 'down' moment, you can think to yourself 'At least I have X to look forward to next week / month'
Do you feel up to going to a local class? perhaps salsa dancing or something like that? I've been going with a chum and have had a really good laugh - it's quite easy to chat to a lot of people 'cos you're always moving around.
Hope you feel better soon.
Thank you to you all for your kind words, they really do mean a lot and are greatly appreciated. Last night was my first night alone in the house and it was one of the hardest things i've ever done. How silly is that?! I didn't have much to take my mind off things and then to top it off, I decided to do some ironing and the iron tripped the electrics! Normally i'd have been practical and sorted it but instead I sat and cried for about 10 mins hoping he'd walk through the door and say that it's all going ot be ok. I managed to pull myself together though and sorted it. I just can't wait for these days to end and for me to feel human again.
I am going to use some of my settlement (which was only �5k! I didn't continue persuing them as they made it so nasty that I took the first offer and got out of there asap. I probably should have fought harder but it was about making a point rather than the money.) for a holiday and i've also decided to do up our bathroom as that was our plan and we need to do it wether im able to stay there or if we have to sell so at least i have a project to focus on.
Thanks again for all your help. xxx
I am going to use some of my settlement (which was only �5k! I didn't continue persuing them as they made it so nasty that I took the first offer and got out of there asap. I probably should have fought harder but it was about making a point rather than the money.) for a holiday and i've also decided to do up our bathroom as that was our plan and we need to do it wether im able to stay there or if we have to sell so at least i have a project to focus on.
Thanks again for all your help. xxx
I haven't got much knowledge regarding practicalities about houses etc I'm afraid but maybe the CAB would be worth talking to if you do get stuck.
It must be a huge shock for you after 4 years so make sure you have time to grieve. Having practical things to sort out is good because it takes your mind off things and gives you something to focus on.
I reccommend the book 'It's Called a Break Up Because it's Broken'. I know a lot of baggers have found it useful over the years.
It may seem awful now but you will get through this and it will make you stronger, honest
x
It must be a huge shock for you after 4 years so make sure you have time to grieve. Having practical things to sort out is good because it takes your mind off things and gives you something to focus on.
I reccommend the book 'It's Called a Break Up Because it's Broken'. I know a lot of baggers have found it useful over the years.
It may seem awful now but you will get through this and it will make you stronger, honest
x
Big hugs hon - I'm so sorry for you, you seem to be having a terrible time.
Have a chat with your mortgage company and a mortgage broker. Your mortgage company should be fairly sympathetic - it's in their interests to keep you paying the mortgage. If things get difficult short term you could always consider a payment holiday. But it's not a long term solution.
A similar thing happened to a friend of mine just over a year ago now, except she was living in his house and had to move out and find somewhere to live. I think you just need to surround yourself with your friends - have girly nights out, throw yourself into your new job, buy some new clothes to fit your new slimmer figure.
About 6 months ago, my friend joined match.com and has had a number of dates and short term flings with guys on there and is enjoying herself. It took her a while to get over her ex but after that she found match.com has helped her get out there and enjoy herself and meet new people. She's not met anyone long term yet but she's having fun in the meantime. It might be something you want to consider in the future.
Good luck. I hope you can sort out your house & financial situation and can focus on looking after yourself.
Have a chat with your mortgage company and a mortgage broker. Your mortgage company should be fairly sympathetic - it's in their interests to keep you paying the mortgage. If things get difficult short term you could always consider a payment holiday. But it's not a long term solution.
A similar thing happened to a friend of mine just over a year ago now, except she was living in his house and had to move out and find somewhere to live. I think you just need to surround yourself with your friends - have girly nights out, throw yourself into your new job, buy some new clothes to fit your new slimmer figure.
About 6 months ago, my friend joined match.com and has had a number of dates and short term flings with guys on there and is enjoying herself. It took her a while to get over her ex but after that she found match.com has helped her get out there and enjoy herself and meet new people. She's not met anyone long term yet but she's having fun in the meantime. It might be something you want to consider in the future.
Good luck. I hope you can sort out your house & financial situation and can focus on looking after yourself.
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