feeling lost.

I’m feeling really really rubbish at the moment. I don’t think I’m depressed; its more just a general sense of being run down and really grey all the time, but it is affecting lots of things about myself and my life and I’m so tired. I’m 23 and not enjoying myself at all.

There is a lot of family stuff that is really getting to me, as a lot of it I have to sort out or deal with cos no-one else will. I got assaulted when I was 13 by a family friend; not rape, but everything but. I had to go to court as a witness; the bloke pleaded mental health (I think it was autism) and got off very lightly, although the judge stressed at the hearing that I was no way to blame. My parent’s reactions to this were hard for me to understand. My dad, when I told him eventually, said ‘well he’s not coming in the house again’ – which pretty much epitomises how bothered he was about it all. I also was too scared for both of them to come to court with me because I knew they would fight, so I asked only one of them to go. My mum came and since then my dad has brought this up as an example of him being ‘shut out of affairs’. My parents always had a pretty bad relationship and I think this was the final straw.

My mum told all our neighbours, all her friends, and all the teachers at my school what had happened which really upset me. She also started drinking heavily, which has carried on til today with occasional dry patches. She repeatedly told me while drunk that she didn’t believe me, that I had led him on. She also blamed me for breaking up her friendship group (it was her best friend’s husband).

She had affairs with an ex boyfriend of mine, a bloke she met at the pub and my RE teacher. The last one was the worst; I was doing my GCSE’s and was forced to act as a middle man passing messages back and forth. He was also married and she kept on leaving us for him, then he would not leave his wife and she would come crawling back. She attempted suicide several times because of this.

Our house isn’t very big; in the years she was ‘ill’ she forced my dad to sleep on the sofa downstairs while she laid in bed all day, no-one could make too much noise on their way to school or work or she would go mental and physically assault them; she was constantly abusive to me and my younger brother and sister.

My dad just put up with it all, increasingly moaning to me about it but doing nothing to get her out or to make his kids safe, in my eyes. Once she smacked him round the face and he pretended to faint; I remember standing there and being so angry at him for being so weak and not standing up to her and being a man. He paid for all her counselling and ridiculous alternative treatments for her problems. I gradually took on the housework, as well as listening to his problems all the time and doing my GCSE’s and A Levels.

My mum got us into a lot of debt throughout this period, as well as being generally crazy and drunk all the time. My grandparents were also very involved; my grandmother is amazing but my granddad was a terrible influence, striding around yelling at my dad and telling me and my sister (who were by the end of it 18 and 16) that we were children making everything worse.

My brother, when he was 14, developed a brain tumour and hydrocephalous, which almost killed him but luckily was fixed in time. My mum used his operation as an opportunity to go away om holiday with her current boyfriend. She was still living with us but using the house as a hotel, sleeping all day but going out at 7pm to see whoever she was sleeping with at the time. Eventually me and my sister packed up her stuff and put it in the garage when she hadn’t come home for a few days.

I saved up and went to Mexico in my gap year; I then went to Oxford University to do my undergraduate. On paper I did really well, got a 2:1, got accepted in a prestigious music group, was captain of the boat club, loved my social life and am so lucky for the experiences I had there. I went out with several lovely boys who made me really happy. In my third year I fell in love properly. During this time I had little or no contact with my mum. In the summer of 2008 I won a scholarship to work in Bangladesh which made me feel like I needed to get in touch with my family a bit more; since then I’ve been slowly building a relationship with her.

But I started getting really depressed in my third year, not sure why but it ended up breaking my relationship up. I was heartbroken and totally lost my mind, cut myself once and took some pills another time. My friends were incredible in supporting me, but my boyfriend started going out with a girl i had coached in the boat club and had sort of mentored in her rowing, which made me feel so stupid and sad. I got my 2:1 and the end of term passed in a drunken vague whirl to be honest. When I graduated, I went to Croatia with some friends but couldn’t enjoy it, I felt dull and angry and sad and numb and spent the whole time arguing with one of best mates; he is amazing and has forgiven me but i was such a tw*t to him.

I got into UCL to do a Masters, my dream course, but couldn’t afford to go and my dad wanted me to move back home. So now I’m doing a Masters in my hometown and living at home. We have no money because of my mum and everything that happened; I work three jobs alongside my studying and still can’t afford to pay anything off or anything.

Six months into my Masters, I’m really enjoying the course and doing really well. Socially, I’ve got in touch with loads of old friends and have made loads of new mates at uni; I also have my Oxford friends who I see whenever I can afford to. I would never complain about my support and friendship groups, I know how lucky I am in that respect.

But I’m worn down with living at home, with listening to my dad complain about everything and by dealing with it all. He sits in the house all day on his PC, after retiring, and is getting bitter and lonely. I don’t know how to help him; he never wants to do anything or go out. My sister is away at university and doing well and we are really close, but my dad gave up on disciplining my brother ages ago, like he’s given up on everything, and now he is 18, with no job, de-toxing from meth. I love my brother to bits and want him to get some guidance, but my dad’s attitude to him is so destructive. He is a really angry kid sometimes, partly because of his tumour and partly because of the drugs I guess, but is so clever and sweet and cool I want him to do well. Lately he’s been really down because his girlfriend is depressed and hits him, which I don’t know how to address. Yesterday she cut herself and told her parents that my brother made her do it; he came home looking absolutely terrible and cried for ages.

Basically, I feel f***ing exhausted and physically spent. The physical stuff is a load of little things that add up to generally feeling appalling. I’m knackered all the time. My eyes always hurt, I find it so hard to get up in the morning but can’t sleep at night. I need constant coffee and tea to feel ok. Sometimes climbing stairs makes me dizzy and out of breath. My skin is awful – although I don’t get loads of spots the ones I do get are really painful and even when the worst of it is gone the marks on my skin take weeks or months to fade away. The bags under my eyes are appalling. I look pale and drawn and haggard all the time. I get massive spots on my scalp which scab over and itch so badly; my scalp is dry and flaky and sometimes burns. Sometimes, for no reason, it feels like there are insects crawling over my skin, i’v got disgusting blackheads on my chest and breasts. I hate anyone seeing my naked. Sometimes random areas of my skin will burn and flare up. I feel disgusting.

Rationally I know I’m pretty and skinny but I hate hate hate my body. My bum and thighs are disgusting and no matter what I do won’t get any better. I go to the gym or running almost every day; Im fit after rowing for so long, but nothing helps to make them nice. My hair is a mess and won’t grow and I’m tired of feeling so %&*$# about how I look, my clothes and what I wear, my weight. I know its stupid to moan about this but I’m 23, I should be having fun with my appearance and not feeling like I want to hide in bed all day.

I have no sex drive. I feel lonely by myself but claustrophobic around others. My moods are so up and down – sometimes I’m massively social; I’m the course rep for the Masters programme here and so know lots of people; I know I’m clever and can argue my case in lectures or over coffee, I have lots to talk about and lots of mates. But I feel boring and whingey. Maybe I am. I have just split up with a bloke I really like because I don’t feel good enough for him. He is incredible, he’s beautiful and clever and so popular and cool so much so that I feel fat next to him and unattractive and dull. And now he is being so good to me. He texts me everyday wanting to get coffee or asking why I’m not out or at a party I’m meant to be at, and all I want to do is cry and tell him how %&*$# I feel and have him hug me but I won’t let myself, so I end up being really awkward and cold with him.

My mum lives with her parents now; recently she had a stroke which was really scary. She lost her job too so is bumming off my dad again. My grandma has Parkinsons which is horrible; my granddad is really old fashioned and won’t let social workers or nurses help her and denies she has a problem. It causes so many fights between my family.

I’m starting to apply for graduate jobs. I know I have to make the most of this time because I am well qualified and can do well. But I feel hopeless and unmotivated. I was the ‘poor girl’ at Oxford, although that didn’t really stop me too much, but the field I want to go into – developmental policy, law and politics – this means that I won’t be able to fund the unpaid internships that other people will, which will maybe mean I won’t get jobs. I know I sound pathetic and usually I can fight it and believe in myself, but I’m so tired now it seems stupid to even try. I don’t know what to do, everything feels such a mess and I can’t sort it out in my head. I don’t know if I’m depressed. I don’t think so, I am able to see the good things in my life and sometimes I’m happy. But im so tired. And I don’t want to be, I’m 23, I want to enjoy being 23, I have to sort myself out. Any advice or even something just telling me to shut up would be great. sorry for how long and whiny this is but its made me feel a bit better.

i just want to pick you up and give you a big hug.
im so so sorry for all you have had to cope with, and i know that you feel like this, but really, its no surprise that the effects of the last few years are having some toll on you. You have coped amazingly well on the surface, your achievements are fantastic and i think you have a lot to be very proud of
however, what you are feeling and experiencing needs some professional help, you say your mum has had counselling, have you? i assume you were offered some through the system of victim support and through your doctor? have you been to the doctor about your physical symptoms? and do you have someone who really listens to you?
there will be lots of support from you on here, but please please go to your doctors and ask for some help. You need them to look at your physical symptoms and refer you to counselling, even if you have had it before, if you arent going through therapy now, i think youd really benefit from it, and some family counselling for all of you together, your brother needs help and your parents need to understand what is happening, and the effects their behaviour is having.
no one is built to cope with this sort of pressure x

This, very much so.
I'm not sure about the counselling right at this mo and I think one needs to be in a fairly stable state to be able to take it all in and then re-act to it all.

I think you need a plan. A small list of acheivavble things to make things a bit better. Its not very sexy advice I'm afraid, but when the whole of your life seems so very very catastrophic, then gaining a tiny bit of control back, is the only way I know to start the process.

You need to get yourself to where you need to be by way of a marathon - and thats 26 emotional miles, all in just single steps - lots of then, sure, but just steps. Nates if right that there are people and agenices that can help you with your steps, but I really think the first ones need to come from you.

Getting yourself sorted I think, is a skill, that you can learn and can strengthen - the more you practice, then more you actually DO get better, then the better you are at getting better !!

Its a mess, its difficult, its unfair, its bloodywrong, its uneccesary, its disgraceful - all of those and then some has been your life. But...... its your life kid. Good luck.

I'm not sure about the counselling right at this mo and I think one needs to be in a fairly stable state to be able to take it all in and then re-act to it all.
thats very true of psychodynamic therapy, you have to be emotionally robust to experience it, hence why im going mentalist at the mo, but humanistic and CBT are about the here and now so they are very valid options. Very good point though, do not go for psychodynamic as its a very intrusive process.
family counselling also is appropriate.

I couldn't read and not post. I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through. You sound like such a brave woman, to go through all of that and still be here to tell the tale. You should really be proud of yourself for surviving everything. *hugs*

Your extremely BRAVE!!!

To cope with GCSEs, A Levels + University + a Master's degree + do housework at the same time of your studies and help your family along with this.


You Are Very Brave.


Hugs
Love H&F

i agree - i sort of understand a little of how you are feeling, maybe, with things that have happened in my past. just keep taking it one day at a time, you'll be fine i know.

Hey, I read your post and like others I couldn't help but reply. You sound so so amazing, to deal with all of that and have done so well. You sound like you need some time out from home, is there anyway you could move out? Or move in with friends? I think being at home is so destructive and there is only so much you can do for your family. There comes a point when they have to help themselves.

Speaking to someone sounds wise, do you have a decent doctor that maybe you could open up to?

Take care.xx

Thankyou to everyone who posted, i felt really silly after rambling on for ages like that but having got up the courgae to look at replies I did get a bit emotional, thankyou for being so lovely. Have been in bed all weekend with some disguting flu thing so feeling really crap but those lovely comments really helped, although right now I don't feel 'brave' or anything just really minging and achey

NatoPMT can you explain the difference between the different types of counselling you mentioned? I have actually been seeing a someone since New Year through the university who is really good but I don't know what type of counselling that is (to be honest I wasn't aware there were lots of different types). Anyway she has really pinpointed a lot of things that I'd never considered before about my need for stability and security (something I guess I didn't have a lot of growing up), which has massively impacted on relationships I've had, especially with THE ex a year ago. I think it first of all counselling made me feel a lot worse, bringing things up I hadn't talked about for ages, and maybe this is why I've been so run down and felt so terrible? I've heard that emotional issues can really effect you physically - bit of an irritating vicious cycle there.

Mr Mannering: yes I agree completely its just life and you can't just whinge and expect things to sort themselves out - I think thats why I felt really embarrassed about posting how and what I did. Reading it back it sounds so unlike me as well. But I am reassured by what you say about "sorting yourself out being a skill" - this is what I want to understand and learn, how you can simply decide to be better then you have been and do it. I like the marathon analogy too - its about doing thingsa day at a time or a week at a time, making sure you get everything done and done well, and then looking after yourself too right? Simplifying a little bit until you feel better.

Intern: Its funny hearing other peoples persepctive on things, when you've just been a certain way for 10 years or whatever you don't see it as 'amazing' you just see yourself as not being good enough and everything just being really crap and miserable. But thats one of the things I'm trying to work on with counselling, and doing litle things like posting on here. I always feel really stupid talking about it all, partly it seems really far fetched and partly I always sound really self indulgent. But thats one nice thing about this being anonymous I think? I hear what your saying about moving out but its hard to do the selfish thing and just let them get on with it when your used to being around. Money wise moving out isn't totally feasible unless I up my hours at work and realistically I don't think that would help anything right now - I'd just have less sleep, be more stressed and studying would suffer I guess. But I have started to back away from little things, like if my dads in a mood I won't always rise to it and ask him whats wrong or try and solve his issues for him, I can't fix everything and I just make myself unhappy trying to.

I loved some one in past but couldn't said any thing to her and i lost her
Nothing helped and still after 8 years i love herFor me that is true feeling that i lost
I know it is too hard to believe but it is the Truth of my life.
Lost feelings lost everything.