Pornography Issues : ((

I have been dating a great guy of 35 for about six months. He is lovely, kind, considerate and my family and friends think he is really nice too. My daughter also thinks he is a good guy.

When we first met he told me he had not had many longterm relationships (two) and has never been married or had children. By chance I came across a HUGE collection of pornography he has stored on his computer. It seems to all be about stockings, suspenders and high heels. I very casually approached the subject so we could have a relaxed conversation about it. He said he used it about 3-5 times a week when he was single to enhance things and uses it about 3 times a week when we are not together.

I really dont know how I feel about this. I have a teenage daughter and I guess it disturbs me that some of the women look quite young though not underage. I told him I could not tolerate this in my home if we lived together and he said he would delete it all if it offended me. There is so much of it I am just wondering if he could do without it. Is this normal?

However over the last couple of months when I approached the subject again it seems he is still using it as much as before (we still do not live together). He said he loved to look at women in stockings and high heels and had a bit of a thing about it. I am now thinking what if my daughter or her friends were at our place and dressed to go clubbing, what would be going through his mind.

I just dont know about all this. He has never been inappropriate with my daughter and I have never seen him openly gawking at women so I am not sure what to do next.

I have never dated a guy who has been so open about his %&*$# viewing and am not sure how to deal with it. I guess the young women all look like teenagers/young women so I am concerned that is how he views women. He said all guys look at %&*$# and its quite healthy to use when I am not there and he has never cheated on anyone and it would not get in the way of our relationship.

Hmmmmm : ( Any advice from you wonderful baggers would be greatly appreciated. xx

I think you need to work out what your views are on pornography first, as your fella's collection of %&*$# seems to be getting tangled up with your worries over how he views women and if he possibly views your daughter and her friends in the same way? I think getting these things confused will end up in massive trust issues and heartache.
Aside from your worries about your daughter and her friends, what are your views on %&*$#? Have you been happy for it to be part of your previous relationships? You mention that your bloke is open about his use of %&*$# which is a good sign. Would you rather he viewed it with you or without you? Expecting a man to stop using %&*$# is a bit unrealistic - this is highly unlikely to happen and will force him to be secretive about his use of it and then drive a wedge between you, thus causing a cat and mouse game, disappointment, and broken promises.
Now to the content of the %&*$# - do you find the content of the %&*$# disturbing or the girls featured in the %&*$#? The fact that the %&*$# centres on a specific area - stockings, suspenders and heels suggests he is into legs and feet and lingerie. I can understand this, as I have a real thing about stockings, suspenders and heels myself. Is it possible that he watches %&*$# to satisfy this aspect of his desire and he feels that you might judge him in some way? It is likely he is focusing on this aspect of the %&*$# (stockings, suspenders, heels, feet, legs) rather than the girls themselves. Would you be prepared to discuss this with him and maybe introduce these things into your sex life? Agent Provocateur do some amazing vintage seamed stockings, and a man who worships you in a pair of stockings and heels will be prepared to keep you in beautiful shoes!
Now for views on women and your worries regarding your daughter and her friends. I think that a lot of men compartmentalise their views on women from watching %&*$#. I obviously don't know your partner, but I think it is highly unlikely that he views your daughter in an inappropriate way. It is very likely that he hasn't even made a link between the ages of the girls in the %&*$# and the ages of your daughter and her friends. From what you have posted, it seems that he watches %&*$# to allow himself access to things he fantasises about but feels unable to act out? I have often fancied letting my inner Katy Perry out, but because I have been in relationships and I am always completely faithful, watching girls in %&*$# is my way of expressing that part of my sexuality in a safe way. This might be true of your partner?
Regardless of any of this, it is important to work out what YOUR views are on %&*$# and what your boundaries are. Expecting him to not watch %&*$# is unlikely to work - if you are unable to accept his use of %&*$#, then it would be better to end things.
Hope this helps! Hugs, Boo xx

excellent post Boo...

Aww thanks Satsy - just been reading your post - definitely barking mad! You're so much better off out of the whole thing - looks like they are very well suited...
Boo xx

Wow thanks Boo that was a fantastic reply and you have given me lots to think about. Couldnt agree more Sats.

The first issue I have is the amount of %&*$# he has. I dont think there there is a man on this planet who has not downloaded %&*$# of some sort. If it was the odd ten downloads fine but there are libraries full of the stuff!!! Its like a dream collection! He has obviously spent hours and hours doing this. Its all young women in stockings and high heels performing all sorts of acts. Nothing sinister but there is just so much of it.....

Another major point is the fact that my legs are not my best feature. They are very slim, not toothpick slim but not as shapely as they could be. He has already said my legs look better in jeans than in stockings which was a disappointment but hey he is being honest. Didnt help that he said that evening that my friend looks great in a short dress!

Every time a woman appears on tv in a short skirt or dress he makes a comment. I am feeling worse and worse about things. He has also apologised for this and is slowly stopping this. I know its there, these feelings he has are not going to simply 'go away'

I am begining to feel as though I am not good enough for him and I cannot live up to his %&*$# and his stocking and high heel fantasies. We have talked about it and you are right he seems to compartmentalise things.

I asked him how he would feel if he was at my place and my daughter and her friend were dressed up in heels and short dresses etc to go out. He joked he would have to leave the room quickly. I just dont think this is funny.

i think you are right I am beginning to feel there are trust issues here. I feel I am constantly under comparison. I cant even be that woman in the stockings. I have never met a guy with such an obsession with heels and stockings so this is new for me.

We get on well apart from this have lots of the same interests and I really enjoy his company.

I don't have anything intelligent to post as such but I think if my daughter was the same age as yours, I think I would feel the same - esp after that last comment. I would also not like the commenting about people's appearances all the time. I know it is probably really harmless and innocent but it is something that would really get my back up over time.


The thing with %&*$# is that we always try to skew our views to suit men's and it is best to be honest with ourselves. If you don't like it, you don't like it. You don't have to justify it. It is your relationship, too, and you are entitled to your feelings even if you can't particularly rationalise them.

Yuk re: leaving the room quickly. Sure he meant it jokingly - but many a true word said in jest eh? From what you've said he wouldn't act on any passing thoughts he had - but depends where you draw your lines really. Was thinking how well you've handled the whole thing - calmly etc - shame that he on the other hand is behaving like a school boy; he seems to have the sexual maturity of a 15 year old - sorry.

I also think Boo's post was a cracker.
Simone, i think that theres a real mix of issues going on here, and you are right to try and unravel them
I odnt actually like %&*$# myself, but thats by the by, as you dont seem to be too bothered by %&*$# itself, more the issues that this situation is bringing up for you and it seems that the boundaries between issues are being blurred - and thats because they are all interwoven.
If you arent too bothered by %&*$# itself morally.... you do seem to be bothered by a) the amount and b) the content. I think the compartmentalisation is actually something that is a concern. Compartmentalising is something that bothers me, because the reason %&*$# can be destructive is because its exclusive, and i dont believe that exclusive sexual needs are good for a relationship. i tend to believe that %&*$# is more healthy when it includes the partner - and because of the content and your personal insecurities, the compartmentalisation is currently more comfortable, however is causing you anxiety.
The reason women get insecure is because %&*$# is a threat, the reason its a threat is because it demonstrates an attraction outside the relationship. This can be bought together, by the man stopping the exclusive nature of his interests to a point, i dont believe anyone should be entirely exclusive as such, but here you have a situation where your insecurities prevent the integration of his interests. Some women could say that they would wear the stockings themselves, but my legs arent my best feature either, and i know how i would feel in your position.
Going back to the threat of %&*$#:
Every time a woman appears on tv in a short skirt or dress he makes a comment
This is unacceptable behaviour in my book, its highlighting his outside interest and is disrespectful.
That also highlights a discrepancy in what you say as in your Op you say:
I have never seen him openly gawking at women
Would you still say he doesnt, given your comment about comments about women on telly?
In addition this:
He said he loved to look at women in stockings and high heels and had a bit of a thing about it.
A bit of a thing is something thats going to be there all the time. However, what you might be missing is that he might adore your legs. Have you any reason to think that he doesnt?
The %&*$# and his attention to other women might be salvageable. I think that hes being who he is, and hes not hiding who he is, so the best way forwards if you want to manage this issue is to find a way to bring it all together in a way you are comfortable with. I dont think it can happen in a short relationship, but within the next 6 months to a year, that needs to happen, or this issue will potentially damage how you feel about yourself. Are you confident enough to bring yourself into his 'thing'? Can you do for him what the %&*$# does and be included in it? can you ask him if your legs do for him what the %&*$# does? If it does, you might just have to be suspender girl of a Friday night, and if he can start to prise himself away from his interest during this transition and make it more internal to the relationship, you have a good start. If you do that, would the rest fo his collection be less of a threat?
re; the ages of the girls, i wouldnt worry about that - i suspect your initial fears were about the threat of the nature of his interest and trying to verbalise why it was bothering you than a real fear about your daughters safety

This is something that often comes up. A lot of people suggest looking at %&*$# together as a way of compromise but do you think some women do that just as that and not because they really have a desire to do so? I think if I were wanting to look at %&*$#, I'd already be doing it. Also, most %&*$# is geared to male sexual fantasy and does nothing for me. I might call his bluff and pull out something with big hard %&*$# or gay %&*$# or something.

Absolutely not, if its not your thing, its not your thing, i personally am totally against it - but i know a lot of other women arent so cant really offer how i feel as a solution to someone elses issue.
Simone doesnt say she against it, and i was talking about integrating his fetish to the relationship rather than the %&*$# itself....
Can you do for him what the %&*$# does and be included in it? can you ask him if your legs do for him what the %&*$# does? If it does, you might just have to be suspender girl of a Friday night, and if he can start to prise himself away from his interest during this transition and make it more internal to the relationship, you have a good start
what you say:
The thing with %&*$# is that we always try to skew our views to suit men's and it is best to be honest with ourselves
is actually a slightly different issue. I totally agree, and i also think that %&*$# is the biggest swindle in history - but what i was suggesting was that simone to establish if she can take an interest in his interest, rather than in his %&*$#. Sorry if i didnt make that clear, but as he has a fetish, if the relationship was to work, shed need to be in that fetish, or accept his %&*$# use, or leave, and i think the former is preferable if she wants to make it work

I think, personally (and I don't know how simone feels about it), I'd feel a bit silly getting the old suspenders out - esp if I were self-conscious about certain aspects of my anatomy but I guess it's better than the %&*$# but I'd always be wondering who he is comparing me to. At 39, I'm no spring chicken and am unlikely to compare favourably iyswim.

of course, there is the third option of him simply deleting the %&*$# if it offends so much and he has offered. I think I might take him up on it, though, I wouldn't hold my breath wrt to him being altogether truthful about it. That said, in some ways, I'd rather my husband were discreet about it than having it plastered all over the PC for all to see and I know he does have a sneaky look sometimes, which I don't mind so long as it's not excessive and at the expense of us.

sorry to chat about you while your not here simone
i do see what you mean Faddy, and its not my thing either. But i dont know if its simones. Having issues with her legs, she doesnt know if he loves her legs, and if he did, it might make her more confident about them
but thats simones decision, and i have to say, i am really not down with the fact he makes comments about women on telly, i dont like that, but its not been tackled yet and might be something he just didnt get, but could get
re: him deleting everything. Well, part of me doesnt believe that he should have to delete his outlet for his fetish - however, having strong views about %&*$#, i do think the world would be a better place without it, but i dont think its fair to dictate to him and if he deletes it his interest will still be there, and hes likely to resist anything he sees as control. I dont believe he should have the %&*$#, but if simone wants to make it work, therein lies the dilemma. Thats why i said it should happen over a period of time, cos shes not quite worked out how she feels about it
the danger with that, is that simone might try and accomodate his feelings too much and that will consequently lead to a further erosion of her esteem - and NO relationship is worth that.
But he might say, ive only known you for 6 months, why should i change for you? People quite rightly resist someone forcing their views on them, even if the %&*$# really isnt something that should be enhancing his life. Men in general believe they have a 'right' to %&*$#, and to suddenly change that without some sort of compromise might destroy the relationship, and i guess thats down to simone and what her boundaries are, and whether she thinks that the rest of the relationship is worth doing that for. I think the bottom line is that she now knows he loves legs, she hates her, if they can find a way together to overcome that, then theres a way forward, if they cant, then the esteem issue will keep coming back and back
I wouldn't hold my breath wrt to him being altogether truthful about it
which is why integrating his stuff into the relationship is a way of both of them being happy. If simone is able to do that.

At 39, I'm no spring chicken and am unlikely to compare favourably iyswim.
Thats part of the problem with %&*$# in a moral sense, that NO ONE can compare, i dont have a photoshopper, lighting tech and make up artist on hand, Im 38 and its an unfair ideal. Its then used to make women feel more insecure.... and insecurity is a reason that is easily turned round on a women and used against her (not by a bf, more by society/men in general). If you are insecure, then it can be said thats your problem, not his. So i would never recommend making that argument as its a never win situation. I think the best way to tackle the %&*$# use issue is through the exclusivity argument. An exclusive interest is damaging to a relationship, and that cant be argued against

You're not listening to your warning bells here - we have instincts and feelings esp about our kids for a reason and you are trying to excuse and justify them away.
Listen to what you feel - this isn't going to be OK and what ???- you are to wait until your daughter has moved away incase he happens to cop a view of her in short skirt ??

Everything you feel about the sitchu with this man and his i think, obsession - its not just a wandering about with %&*$# - this is a full on fetish in my book - all the things you sau and feel are as they are and you have the right to be concenned.

Its just not worth the risk - not where you daughter's well being is concerned. What if she was aware of what he was doing ?? How would that make you feel about yourself and what you stand for - what type of role modles does that make you for her - teaching her, no doubt, to respect herself as a woman and have a healthy attitude about boundaries and the like and you;re with a bloke who is obessesed with %&*$#.

Nip this in the bud, and get out with everyone intact, just feeling a bit sad for a bit but you'll be fine.

Hi everyone again!
I agree with Satsy here - if you can have an open discussion about the issue, when you are both in a calm and relaxed mood then I think it will allow you both to see if this can be resolved or not. This man will likely have had this conversation with a woman before - if he has had a couple of relationships that have ended, his interest in legs and stockings might have contributed to problems before. However, I think some posters have started to step into the domain of demonising him as some of the comments are starting to border on this. Some people do have fetishes but they don't have to be treated as perverts?
I agree with your concerns regarding the comment he made about your daughter, and if this is really at the heart of it all, then maybe your instincts are right. I think it depends on whether you really think this man is a risk in your home or not? Six months is not that a long time - do you feel that you know him well enough to trust him? If you were to end things, then at least you are not so far into the relationship to be severely hurt.
Like Satsy, I think that there are two central issues here. Is your partner's use of %&*$# further eroding your self confidence? If his use of %&*$# is making you feel inadequate, then this is an issue that needs to be tackled. If it can't be tackled, then the relationship needs to end. Out of interest, where did the worry of your daughter and her friends walking around the house in stockings come from? Is this a likely situation? Is this an irrational fear based on the ages of the girls you saw in the %&*$#? Does it stem from the way you feel about yourself and your worry that your partner would find your daughter attractive? Are your worries about your partner based on his unhelpful response? Trying to work out where these worries stem from will enable you to work out if this man poses a real risk. I agree with Mannering to a certain extent - alarm bells ringing often is our instinct's way of letting us know if a situation is wrong. However...
What if she was aware of what he was doing ?? How would that make you feel about yourself and what you stand for - what type of role modles does that make you for her - teaching her, no doubt, to respect herself as a woman and have a healthy attitude about boundaries and the like and you;re with a bloke who is obessesed with %&*$#.
I think it's unfair to demonise a person for liking %&*$# though and I don't think whether a person likes %&*$# or not colours their perceptions of women. I wanted to post this from the view point of a woman who likes %&*$# - in or out of a relationship and watching alone or together. I don't think watching %&*$# or being in a relationship with someone who has a fetish affects the example you give to your daughter. These aspects of your life are surely separate? I also don't think the amount of %&*$# really matters - a person with only ten %&*$# films or pics could be equally as 'obsessed' with them. What really matters is how your partner's use of %&*$# affects you, your self esteem, your relationships and your boundaries and values. If you feel that any of these areas are negatively affected, then you have your answer.
Take care! Boo xx

Boo, you have your opinions and honestly, without being patronising, at 18 or so, ( I have kids older then you ) then I have tried to teach my girls about welf worth and respect for other women and themselves.

I
I'm not 'demonising' anyone for being into %&*$#, but I totally and utterly think you are wrong in your views that it doesn't affect men, how they view women - age and experience teaches me differently - I do think the way men view women, the men that use %&*$# excessivley has a detrimental way in they view women, esp when they have been v young when they start to watch it and participate, manually, with it.

See, in the nicest terns, if you are into %&*$#, then being 'viewd' in that way by blokes is OK for you - I don;t want to be thought of like that. I do feel like I am better then that, BUT.....that doesn't amke me better then you. I hope you see that.

If you like %&*$# and are into it, then that's OK for you - its also OK not be think its right and the feel very strongly that its not OK and that you don;t wnat to have it as a normal in one's life or to think this is an acceptable bench mark.

We all have our lines in the sand - where you decide your moral compas sits, is up to you, as mine is up to me - and my kids , well, thats up to them now......

don't think watching %&*$# or being in a relationship with someone who has a fetish affects the example you give to your daughter. These aspects of your life are surely separate?

I think its about your own lines, as we both said - if you think its not right and you are tolertaing it, then I think this is the issue, as it would be with drug taking, diddling the benefit system, petty theft - things you think are not right, if you tolerate them in a relationship, you are teaching your kids that its OK to have your boundaries crossed by a bloke. Thats more my point.

I guess, how ever you cut it, I'd just see him as a sad act loser and I'd find it impossible to respect him and move on from this. And thats OK. And its OK for him to want to have this fetsih - I don;t think he's 'wrong' or should be persecuted for it - but Its not OK to be with me with such a thing - thats the rub.