i have a question

okay, bear with me..

a bit of background, and as some of you will know, have been with my OH almost 10 months now, things are great right now and have been ever since, but we had some issues during the first few weeks of the relationship which were all resolved but have left me with a lack of trust. at this stage, i know he wouldn�t lie to me anymore or do anything do jeapordise the relationship, but as lots of you will understand, it only takes the trust to be violated ONCE, and no matter how early in the relationship, it will stick with you and the doubts will be there. which i was always prepared to deal with when i gave him the second chance.

so the current situation is:

we�re living together in my (rented) apartment, all documents are in my name and i pay the rent every month. he helps with the bills. obviously this wouldn�t work for everybody, but this situation suits us both (or i wouldn�t be doing it), because my job is much better paid, and he is working on commission and due to current climate he isn�t bringing much in. i also wanted the security of it still being �my� apartment, in case anything did happen, because i still know that 10 months isn�t a very long time. us living together is pretty casual and wasn�t a huge deal when it happened, it was just a progress from staying over a few nights, to staying every night. but it�s always really remained my apartment, and he appreciates that as i�m paying the rent.

basically - my dilemma is - i am coming back to england for 4 days in april to see my family. i have thought long and hard about it, and for a few reasons, i feel hugely uncomfortable leaving him in the apartment on his own. i don�t feel like he�d bring any girls back or do anything stupid, but i think any man, given a free reign over a weekend, would take advantage. he has a few very close friends that live nearby, and i am just imagining that they�d all be round here, using my expensive glasses (this actually happened once) as ashtrays!!!!!!, playing on my Wii (lol), amongst other things! the thing is, he�s not someone to take the piss out of a situation - but he IS human, and i can just see this happening. he has brought friends back to the apartment before when i�ve been away for a night. and i�m not comfortable at all with it. end of. i�m not sure if i�m being out of order about this, but that�s not really the issue i�m asking for advice on. my uncomfortable-ness isn�t going to change.

i have spoken to him about how i feel about leaving him here in april, and he says �im not going�. his brother lives just down the road and he could easily go and stay with him and has done before, but he�s not budging on this one. he just keeps saying �im not going�, and we leave it at that. we had a similar issue at christmas when i came back to england, and it caused arguments, but he did agree he was going to go and stay with his family for christmas, so would not be staying in the apartment.

i can look at this from both sides - im paying the rent, so i dictate who is going to be in my house and when. OR, i�ve agreed to let him move in with me, knowing full well i�d be paying, so i should let him stay.

any opinions on this?? i�m not sure where to go from here, to be honest.

I think if you're living together as a couple (despite who is paying the rent) then he considers the apartment his home. If he gets his post at the apartment, then that is his main residence (home).

If his position, I would refuse to move out of my home for a few days. It would be different if he had his own place, and was just staying with you occasionally. He is entitled to have his friends over to his home. If anything does get damaged that can be sorted out later on. I think you're being a bit very harsh effectively making him homeless whilst you're away.

I think you're being a tad unfair. Also, the assertion that "any man" would take advantage is ridiculous. It is his home, and as he's helping with the bills etc he's entitled to use the place as his home. That doesn't automatically mean he's going to have wild parties while you're away. I think you should discuss this with him, but with the emphasis being that it's his home as well as yours. As long as he doesn't break or damage anything, what's the problem? Would you still be concerned if he was paying equally? I think you should talk it through with him, but don't lay down the law - he's likely to feel about an inch tall. He may already feel bad enough that he cannot contribute as much as you, despite the fact that it's an arrangement that suits you both.

thanks savvy and wss for your replies

its helpful to hear your perspectives on this, and has definitely made me consider the fact i am probably being a bit unfair.

thinking about it - i think deep down my issue is not with him not paying the rent, i think it probably stems from the trust issues we�ve had previously. i can�t put my finger on it but i just feel very uncomfortable when i think of him being in the apartment alone for 4 days. i�d like to think i can trust him to not have girls back, abuse my trust, etc.. (and this is a different issue entirely), but i think that�s deep down what this is all about.

you�re completely right that this is his home too, and it�s only fair of me to accept that. i guess i�m going to have to leave him, trust him and see what happens.

i�ve never lived with a partner before and i think the situation is just a bit strange for me. especially leaving to go to a different country.. as opposed to just down the road.

thanks again for your input

If you still have trust issues I think you need to talk to him about this. I know the problems are in the past, but if you still have trust issues then you need to resolve these. Some people have the attitude that what's in the past is irrelevant, but it's sometimes very hard to put that idea into practice and I'm sure your OH will appreciate this.

Hello.

Mmm tricky one - I can understand you feeling a bit uncomfortable, I would too - but as the others said, you can't really ask him to move out for a few days. You wouldn't do it to a flatmate... I agree with you that it probably stems from him not paying rent + the minor trust issues from early on. I guess perhaps you have to think, even if you come to terms with it this time, is it a sustainable situation? You don't want to feel like this each time you go away somewhere... do you think he will ever/in the near future be in a position to contribute to the flat financially? On his side, he equally can't completely act like the flat is his home as much as yours until he is contributing to the rent (unless you don't mind him being a kept man forever ). Do you ever talk about that side of things - the future?

I think for this particular situation, you will have to try and trust him - I would reitaterate your concerns and wishes before you go though, and then if he breaches them, knowing you would be annoyed (using glasses as ashtrays etc!) then you can have words when you get back, because that is just him being disrespectful - as I think requests like that from you are quite reasonable.

I had a thought, do you think he might want to stay there to prove you wrong. You should go, and ask him if he would just look after eveything like it was his. The thing is, by the sound of it, this isn't a one off you going back to the UK and I think the sooner you trust him and then the sooner you can relax and not have to stress everytime you go to the UK. Then if something does go wrong, you can then explain why you don't like leaving him. I'm sure it'll be fine tho SRR, please try not to worry about it xx

I can understand why you'd be worried if you've had problems with your stuff before and lack of trust early on in the relationship but I think he does deserve a chance to prove himself. If, when you get back he has abused the place or upset you with his behaviour while you're away, then you can either justify not leaving him in the flat in the future, or it may signal the end anyway if he's that disrespectful as soon as you're out the door.

I really dont think he will be though, now its his home too (even if he doesn't pay rent if he contributes and lives there permanently then its his home) he's not going to want it smashed up or anything and clearly cares about you and won't want to upset you.

I agree that it would be unfair to ask him to leave, but it concerns me that you think he wouldn't respect your wishes if you asked him not to have parties there. As savvy said, as his home he is entitled to have friends over, but I think it is reasonable to ask your partner not to have a party whilst you are away. I suppose the difficulty is what is the definiation of a party...

Do you think if you asked him to look after the flat and respect your belongings that he would ignore this?

Tricky one and it sounds like you're trying hard to work out what the problem in your min actually is.

If he was to stay at his brothers or another friends house while you were away, are you saying that you would be able to trust him?

I'm just trying ot understand if/how the trust is maybe linked to the house? Is it just the fact that you don't think he would respect it?

thanks so much for the replies

miss laura - we do talk about the future, he says he sees it with me, and i do see mine with him. it�s really hard here, as it is everywhere at the minute, to get employment, especially in a town which really relies on tourism, so hopefully during summer things will get better for him. he�s actively searching for new things, and no-one can accuse him of being lazy or not wanting to work. he works for sometimes up to 10 hours a day and can come home with nothing. but he is trying. i know he wants more than anything than to contribute to the rent, and i know the reasons are genuine as to why he can�t right now.

your post was really helpful, thankyou. i�m glad you can sort of see where i�m coming from! i�m not a crazy controlling girlfriend, i just have worries. but you�re all right, i do need to give him this chance to prove himself, and really i just need to chill out.

thanks bobble and curly -really helpful advice. think the general consensus is to leave him and see what happens. i�m not worried about him smashing the place up, or breaking anything, etc.. as i know he�s not the kind of person to do something like that. it�s more the thought of having five guys smoking and drinking until the early hours of the morning in my house!!! but i suppose these are the things you have to deal with if you live with someone? like i said, i�m new to this.

i think, to be honest - if he stayed with his brother or someone else, the worry would be out of my mind, because then it�s detached from my apartment. he can do what he likes and behave how he likes because he�s in someone elses domain.
i think part of my problem is, if i leave the country and he�s got keys to the apartment, he can come and go when he pleases (which he obviously does anyway!!), but to the extreme where he�s getting home at like 5am in the morning. i�m not sure it�s associated with any deep-down hidden feelings about anything, i think i purely just don�t like the thought of all this going on whilst im away and have no control over anything!

just a few examples of things i�m worried about, for people who think i�m a crazy controlling bitch of a girlfriend!

- the other night i stayed over in Marbella with work. i got back the next afternoon, and we chatted about how my night was, etc. he told me he�d gone straight to bed when he got home from work. i later found out he�d been out until 5am. that�s one night, and he decided to lie. i don�t care what he does and of course he can go out, but i was left wondering why he�d lied about it.

- the other day i got home from work, and the apartment door was left slightly open. it had been open for 2 hours, when OH had left for work. he didn�t realise he�d left it ajar (sp?)

it�s ltitle things like those that i�m worrying about, when i�m in a complete different country, no control over anything.

Well with those examples, I would def be feeling the same! My boyfr is sometimes like that about night out, telling me he comes home earlier - I don't think its necessarily indicative of much, although irritating, but I think they think we will disapprove or something - which is silly because the lying is so much worse!! And the other stuff just sounds a bit careless - I assume you brought this up? Did he seem to understand why you are worrying?

As for the work thing - sounds like he is trying v hard, and you also sound v patient and caring rolls, I hope he appreciates that too

this!... exactly, i know that he�s not misbehaved himself, and of course he�s entitled to have a night out, BUT lying about it just makes it 1000 times worse which he never seems to understand. he says he didn�t tell me because i would have been angry, which i wouldn�t have. but the lying is far far far more damaging in the long term than telling me about a silly night out.

i�ve tried talking to him about all the reasons i�m uncomfortable with him staying here while i�m away, but he�s a sulker, and doesn�t deal with things very well, and just says �yes� over and over again to me whenever i�m trying to explain, then sulks. for days. i think he understands why i�m worried and i also think part of his sulking is him kicking himself for lying previously, because now he�s kind of shot himself in the foot for times like this.

i don�t know - it�s a really hard one, because there�s so many factors involved.

but thanks alot for your posts, they�ve helped!

No probs! I guess this is relationships for us - we all have our faults and won't understand/agree with the way people react to and deal with things. And one of the reasons we stay with people is because we decide we can deal with that and accept they don't necessarily think or react the way we do or the way we want them to!

I think you are right re kicking himself - hopefully (and I hope for my boyf too!) they will realise we aren't super monsters who are going to kick off if they go on a night out - and by not telling us because of that, makes us feel like they think that about us, which I know is a bit . You just want to scream "I'm cool with it, for god's sake!" without looking like a total pyscho!

And rolls (picking up your bag nickname here, hope you don't mind!) (which actually is a nickname on a screenname..mmm!) - its natural to feel a bit territorial over your apartment - its yours and you have it the way you want it. I am exactly the same. And they should appreciate the things like expensive glasses being available, hee hee!