I caught my husband having an affair. He kept going back to her for a year..now has finally left her

Why now? When the week before he told her he wants her?

My husband had an affair lasting 1 year, and has only just cut her off after 13 months since I found out. I found out in Jan 2009.

This was his 1st ever affair and he got very, very attached to her. I need to accept this. These are just a few of the things I know:

~He only confessed to me (but he DID disclose all info) AFTER he was busted anyway
~Continued to seek out the other woman just weeks after my D-Day (Jan 2009), after promising me no-contact-with-her.
~Cut OW off on two occasions in 2009 (again after my D-Day), but always returns to her (no sex)
~Admitted in December 2009 to OW he Googles her. He also joined same Facebook pages as her, but removed himself when confronted by her
~Most recently, one year after D Day, is still talking to her
~In short - he seemed (up til now) to have a VERY hard time shaking her from his memory but told her he will not BE with her, esp as she had him arrested in summer 2009.
~He told her he will never forget her but can never be with her, as too much sh*t went down (she hurt him by telling me who she was, apparently, when HE thought that the affair could have carried on, had she "co-operated" with his intended lies to me.
~Oh, and he told her last month that he cannot visit her new home "cos I can't trust myself around you and I need to be loyal to Lila".

Last point = important as this could be the thing that's finally killed off his feelings for her:

~It ended badly and with legal issues (the arrest) but he went back to her when those were resolved "just to talk to her", as recently as Jan 2010.

Ok, so now OW recently wrote him a letter, not so much giving him an ultimatum but telling her she's leaving the area and to call her if he wants to see her again, for the last time. He has not responded.

What would you think, based on the history, are the chances of him NOT contacting her due to his strong desire to try and forget her and put her in his past? Is he trying desperately to forget her as per his promise to me?

Why does he join her Facebook groups [even though he's now deleted them from his account) and want to watch her?

We are moving on and going on holiday soon and it feels like he is getting over her and working on us. He's been talking to his old friends from back home and seems to be his pre-affair self.

They have now not spoken since his last talk with her (Jan) where he could not get away fast enough and that he was committed to me and "never cheating again man, I'm not putting myself or Lila through THAT again".

Hi Lila,

I have to ask...why did your husband's other woman have him arrested? And how long have you been together? How do you know there has been no sex?

hi

This is our 13th year of marriage.

I don't know for sure about the sex, but I did manage to catch some emails between them, and they both mentioned the fact there's no sex, not since they broke up when I found out, a year ago now.

The arrest was for a 'sex offence' -this was extremely hard for me. I went to the police first and accused her of harassing my husband after the affair ended (as they got back into contact soon after they ended it). She did not get into any trouble, and next thing you know, police are hauling my husband out of our home last summer on one quiet evening. What is worrying is that he has contacted her even AFTER all this, and he was let go (after 2 or 3 months on bail)

Whilst we shouldn't sit in judgement, really. Just reading this made we feel sad being a women and the fact that women still allow themselves to be treated like this.
In spite of all the ways in whcih we think we have progressed, it all means jack, if we can't have the basic respect for ourselves, to absolutely NOT allow anyone to treat us in such an appalling way.

exactly this.

frankly - WHY do you even care why it�s NOW that he has finally left her alone??? the fact is, it�s been over one year he�s been, knowingly, putting you through hell

why are you even watsing your time asking these questions when you could be spending it packing your stuff up and getting out the door??

none of it matters - the arrest, the fact there was apparently no sex, etc etc.. the black and white of it is, sadly, he�s been with someone else for a long amount of time, and perhaps even worse, he�s got attatched to this woman.. he had a choice the WHOLE of the way through and he didn�t chose to walk away and concentrate on the woman he�s married to. i don�t know about you, but that�s something i could never ever get over in a marriage.

why haven't you left him? i can't believe you've put up with all this and are still with him.

Lila, do you have children together, and if so, how old are they?
Also, this arrest, are you sure he didnt commit the offence he was arrested for? If so, how are you sure? I assume that he wasnt charged?

absolutely.. I struggled in how to reply to your OP. WHY do you care as has been said? He is such an awesome person that you will allow him to treat you the way he does.. is he really worth keeping that much?

Lila, help us understand a bit more if you can... On the black and white face of it, there is no reason for you to still be with this man.

Are you from a culture which does not agree with divorce? Do you have children? Why do you think the marraige is worth staying in?

The arrest worries me, and the fact that he would stay in touch with someone he had committed an offence against, or that the other woman would anything to do with someone who had committed a sex offence (against her presumably?). I can't get my head round this at all...

Hope you're ok

good post kitters

Sats, as ever, you're right in your line of thinking.
Things aren't ever balck and white, but no matter what and who, there is a point when one has to make a stand to show what is, in the most very basic of terms, right and wrong.

And there is always a windy old road in these typw of relationship situations, full of other matters (kids, family, money, emotions etc etc ) but, but it always boils down to that one basic thing - when an act is wrong, in every single way, then it has to be about this and dealing with it.

This is just another form of emotional abuse. Lila is being abused and allowing herself to be. Always very very difficult for other women to understand and can get very frustrated by it.

As girls and then women, our lines in the sand are set from an early age and we all have differing ones, but it feels incomprehensible for most of us,that we would allow anyone else to cross them and we can't see why anyone else allows it either. It is our reposnsibility to teach and more importantly, to show our daughters, where their lines should be set - its all about self worth.

self worth, self repect, self esteem...all so so important for girls and women as well as boys and men.

I remember a post on here that has stuck with me about someone's mum teaching them that any type of relationship is about deciding to allow someone into "Club Me", where you get to set the rules, the lines of acceptable behaviour, the dos and the donts. "Club Me" is a valuable precious club to be part of but if someone behaves badly or violates the club rules then there is no longer a place for them.

I have extrapolated the original post a bit - perhaps erroreously - but I like the concept.

Lila, please come back and talk to us *hug*

*bump*

Lila how are you?

Hi. Why does he google the other woman?

also maybe he imagined the other woman got the cops to monitor his facebook page in order to get evidence and bust him for harrassment again, so he deactivated it to escape such a fate.

however if he is so attached to the other woman he may reactivate after a little while.

it doesnt look like the arrest affected him too badly in fact, maybe the cops treated him fairly first time round, so i dont think he holds that against her and maybe still views her in a positive light.

does he have a long history with the other woman?