Acceptance

Hi there
Just need a bit of insight...advice...not really sure...

Ill try and keep it concise...
I have been with my boyfriend for about 1 and half years, we live together. Now I have learned so much about him since we lived together! and we moved in pretty quickly so I guess it was maybe a bit too soon as im feeling unhappy.

I do know, I love him, care for him deeply and he is truly special.
BUT and I hate theres a but.....he had a breakdown in his early twenties which he came through, and is now predominantely well - this is fact. He looks after himself, is healthy, emotionally wise about things....but I believe he lets this experience control his life.
Now I have never been through what he went through, and I did not know him then but I have a sibling who suffered with a mental illness and I have seen over the last 10 years, she had her worst part, and now although she has blips, with medication and looking after herself, a good support network, she is fine. And hopefully, will continue to be. She controls IT it doesnt control her.

I have talked to my partner about this, and it seems to be true that he feels there is a certain level of stress or whatever, he could get to that means he will go back to where he was and he does everything he can to prevent this. He doesnt seem to appreciate that now, he has a support network, knowledge of 'signs' he may be ill and he takes (albeit a low dose) medication so "should" be fine!

He isnt motivated to get a better job, or further himself...he is working in a low paid casual job, and thats fine for him. He tells me everything will be Ok, it wil all work out, when I know that on his income, if we had a family, I would be the worker. He needs lots of sleep, so what if we had a screaming child? I would be doing most of the work! We could get a mortgage but it wouldnt be wise...its like he will not see the reality. And when we talk about it he tells me he sees what im saying and "he will get there"....but hes not doing anything about it. We just go round and round....I really think the truth is, he cant, but then I think hey, what do i know? who knows what will happen? Im getting all tied up in knots and wonder if its just me worrying about something that hasnt even happened yet.....

He has great qualities but its like he has to live a certain way, its not conventional and it suits him, its like he has given himself this life sentance with boundaries because of his past. Is this what such experiences do??

I am finding this really stressful. I dont know why - I guess I am find it hard to accept his ways and its making me doubt my feelings and whether i want to be with him.

Surely,you love someone warts n all? He told me about his experience really soon and it didnt bother me...if anythng, I admired his bravery and it was part of what made me love him.

I cant imagine being without him, he is my best friend, he is such a brilliant man emotionally....but then my head kicks in and tells me that if you find it hard now, it wont change. Its like practically, he is lacking!

We have had problems for over 6 months now. And its come to the point where we both know it is teetering on the edge
I just dont know what to do.

I stay and I am eternally frustrated, feel confused and disapointed

Or leave and be heartbroken and lose my man

Sorry to hear that your relationship is going through this difficult time. There are ways to make a life together but it can be very difficult.
My first boyfriend had a similar history. He had suffered a breakdown and lived with depression which I felt he used as an excuse to not do certain things. He would talk about wanting to better himself... but then not get there as it was a risk, something he was uncertain about no matter how much I tried to support him. After 4 years together, it became too much. I couldnt handle the excuses, the pressures of not saying certain things for worry about pushing him over the edge. In the end we split up and I think it helped him to move forward as well as myself. It was difficult, we were unbelievably close and walking away was crippling to say the least.
Only you can make the final call of how the future will span out, if you decide to leave then you may find that you need to be the bigger person and walk away as he probably never will.
Try talking to him about your worries, although I think it looks like it will only go one way

sorry to hear youre in this position, and it is a delicate position to be in. The fact is that mental health problems span a huge range of largely guessed at and not fully understood conditions and states of mind. Any of us could fall into a state that needs attention. You never know whats coming with anyone, and theres never guarantees.
However, what you point out is specific traits that are concerning you. Noone is ever going to be perfect, but i think you are questioning his ability to be what you think you will need in the future. Now i think it would be better to remove the past and look at the present. Although the past is an indication of what might happen, its also an indication of what hes proven he can overcome, and possibly what hes experienced so will understand and is knowledgeable about not falling into again. Thats assuming he has the right strategies in place and an awareness of the slide into his issues.
To be compatible, you have to accept the worst of what might happen and know you can get through it together.
We could get a mortgage but it wouldnt be wise...its like he will not see the reality. And when we talk about it he tells me he sees what im saying and "he will get there"....but hes not doing anything about it. We just go round and round.
This stuff, i am very reluctant to advise you of any ways of taking these things forward. I don't want to interfere into a situation i have no understanding of except what you have told us. I can only recommend that to make an effective decision together of how to reach goals that you mutually agree, i would suggest that you see a counsellor together to work this out.

I'm sorry that you're finding yourself like this and can completely understand how frustrating and upsetting it is.
I think you really need to talk to him about how important the stability of your future is to you and discuss is this is something that he sees as a problem.
I don't think that his breakdown is necessarily the problem here but more that his ideal lifestyle ie relaxed, casual is different from your ideal. That's not a say that either of you are at fault but maybe this is an incompatibility that you can't overcome.
I absolutely adored and still love my first boyfriend who I was with for almost 5 years. We were engaged and about to move in together when I realised that our future together would always be unstable and I would always be the "grown up". His work wasn't constant ie some weeks big money coming in and other weeks nothing at all but he was so laidback and always said "oh things will be fine" but I need stability and need to know that my bills will be paid.
We talked and talked until we were blue in the face but ultimately we were asking each other to be people that we weren't and it was devastating but I had to walk away. I've found out recently through an old friend that he is exactly the same but now happily married to someone who is as laidback as him and they have a good life together.
Talk to him about your concerns/worries about the future because they may be things that he is prepared to address but know that you can't change him (and you can't change your priorities in life no matter how much you love him).

Every situation with mental health problems/a breakdown is different, but maybe its not that he is letting the experience control his life. Maybe he knows that he is vulnerable to stress after it (people are often always more sensitive to stress once they have had a breakdown) and as a result, he is keeping his life simple to take care of his health. It could be that he knows that, at least for a while, he may not cope with a more demanding job etc. If that is the case, he may be doing the best thing. After all a better job, more money etc would be of no value if it pushed him into mental health problems again.

I think you need to talk to him about how he sees the future - ie if you did get married have kids etc, would he be happy with you being the main earner? would you be happy with that?
the way I see it, he's looking after his mental health, that's always going to be a priority, naturally - a better paid job could be more stressful and cause problems in the long term, and I can understand that he doesn't want to take that risk. You just need to discuss how both of you see the future - would you be happy with him earning less, therefore you having to go back to work? From your post it doesn't sound like it, to be honest.

My sister in law has struggled with depression all her life, and of course when she married and had kids there were worries - but she looked after herself through both her pregnancies and after, through counselling and medication, and she's got a great support network. Even though she's got 2 kids now, her mental health is always a priority, and her husband knows and understands that, which is the key.

Would you be able to be this supportive, no matter what? Would you resent him in the long term if you were the main earner for a family? I think you need to do a bit of soul searching! It sounds as if he's happy with his job and his life, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. He is right you know - things will work themselves out in the end, no matter what, as long as you stick together and you both agree on how you see the future!

good post, I meant to say that, but it didn't come out as clear as that

After all a better job, more money etc would be of no value if it pushed him into mental health problems again.
I quite agree, but what if thats not what LC wants for her future long term partner? I am assuming that its about their compatibility as well as how he can deal with his issues

Absolutely, she would then have to decide if this is the relationship for her.

It seems from you post that as me_at_work says, it is not the breakdown and his mental health issues that are the problem, but his attitude to life and the practicalities of being in a couple and your future that you are unhappy with.

As Nato says, i think you should try counselling and try talking to him, but it may be that this will never change, you want stability and to feel like his equal rather than his carer or provider and he may not be able to do that.

I hope you manage to work it out, but if not, as much as it will wrench your heart out to leave him, you don't want to wake up in 5 years time being the worker and the mother with no support and feel like you've made a mistake
x

That's what I meant with soulsearching! The post read as if she was questioning their long term compatibility anyway - OP, you really don't sound sure about your future with him, he seems happy with where he is and what he's got, you need to work out if YOU are too.

Thank you, everyone for your replies.
Some really helpful words...and Im glad i got how i feel across. It isnt the mental health so much as our compatibility long term, it is a "niggle" for me.

We have talked. he knows how i feel, this is not a new problem. he is trying but it always seems to be me doing the ground work (looking for jobs, giving him advice etc, encouraging him) I know in a relationshio you help eachother and support one another but i am starting to feel im doing everything, and am his prop. And not feeling I am getting much back. Is that selfish in a relationship? I dont know, i guess i feel i am his mother. Not sexy! but then not uncommon in many relationships!

It does feel i have this decision to make. but its a real head heart one.
I do feel i need to cut my self off for a few weeks, no contact and really think. Run away to peru or something! but we have a life together, and i feel it would be cruel to put him through that... hes done nothing to deserve isolation.

Thanks again everyone, its been a help getting this down in words and hearing views.

a tough situation to be in. hope youre ok LadyC

Thanks nato.
it is a tough one.

Where is a fairy godmother when u need one?