In deep trouble

Hello,

I use handbag a lot but felt the need to create a new username to conceal my identity! Ok here goes... i cant believe i'm writing this, i never thought it would have got to this...

I'm engaged to be married in 6 months, with someone that i live with and have been in a relationship with for the past 3 years, we've known eachother for 8 years and it ws the best feeling ever getting together, like it was always meant to be. He proposed to me in October 2008 so we have been planing our wedding for a while now and i never felt such excitement and happiness.

Then 5 months ago a new guy started at work. I was instantly attracted to him, not just because of his looks but his witty humour and popularity, he was the guy that everyone got on with. I obviously didnt act on any thing as i was engaged and would never ever cheat, knowing what its like to be cheated on, i could never do it to my fiance. A couple of months went on and there was a bit of banter between the two of us but i was like that with other people that i worked with. I couldnt help feeling more and more attracted to him. I thought to myself, give it a month, it will just be some stupid crush the feeling will go...

Then one night in December, i was out with a friend and who should be at the same club (purely by coincidence) but the guy i work with. We chatted and had a drink and laughed about things. I went to the toilet, came out and fell over and bashed up all my knees, so when i sat down i told him about it and he laughed etc. but then he rubbed my knees saying awww you poor thing, ill rub it better etc. i should have stopped him, i know i should have stopped him but i just let him rest his hand on my knee, i felt those butterflies that you get and i just wanted him so bad. I didnt even think about my fiance when i leaned in to kiss him. He kissed me back, and then said, this is wrong, your getting married. and i agreed i said yes, your right, sorry, i shouldnt had done that. but then we both stared at eachother and kissed again. We eventually left the club, he walked me outside to make sure i got in a cab home safe, we kissed goodbye and said see you on Monday.

when i got home, even though i felt bad about what had happened, i couldnt help going through what we said, how we kissed etc. I was so happy and not as guilty as i though i would have been.

Months have now gone on, we've met up a couple of times and when my fiance was working away up north, i stayed at this guys place 3 nights a week over a month. It was like we were a couple, i felt so happy when i was with him and then when i went home and saw my fiance, at first i looked at him and thought, how can i do this to him? How can i be a cheat? I would never cheat? what the hell am i doing? but now the feelings changed, when im with my fiance now i'm thinking about this other guy and how i wish i was spending my evening with him instead.

I've been going through the motions with planning the wedding, just ticking things off a list that i know i need to get done, without enjoying the process. Which i cant stand. I hate it, i want to be enjoying what is going to be the biggest and most important day of my life. Then i think about my wedding day and whether i will be happy, whether my pictures will show that not everything is 100%.

I'm in love with the guy. I dont know if he feels the same. We talk about what we are going to do. He says its not enough just having me for an hour or so before i have to rush off home back to my fiance. He says that he cant stand the thought of me cuddling up to someone else at night and living a happy home life and that we need to either end it or i need to think about what i am doing with my life. So we back off eachother for a while, we dont see eachother, try and forget about eachother, but then aways end up txting eachother, going to lunch together, i cant seem to say no, or to stay away. And when i do say no, and think right, i will be faithful etc. i go home and take it out on my fiance.

I dont know what i am going to do. I dont think i am happy with my fiance, but its hard to know what you've got until its gone. If i broke up with my fiance he would be destraught, he would be broken, i would be letting his family down, my family down because the wedding wouldnt go ahead, we would have to sell the flat etc.

If i end it with this guy officially, can i go back to how i was before? Going back to being happy about planning a wedding. I said to my fiance at the weekend, how about just the 2 of us go out for something nice to eat and we can chat, and enjoy eachothers company, (as i thought maybe thats what we are missing?) he said no, we need to save money. When i'm on the sofa, my fiance doesnt even touch me, whereas this guy hugs me, holds my hand, grabs my face, makes me feel alive.

Oh god, what the hell am i going to do. My head is all over the place. I know i should have never let it get to this, i'm so pathetic and weak, my fiance doesnt deserve me. No one does, i'm such a stupid idiot. I just dont want to be here any more. Do i stay with my fiance and try and get those feelings back for him or do i leave him for this other guy, who i dont even know if i wont feel the same about him in years to come.

If anyone could give me any advice, tell me how stupid i have been etc, I would appricate it. Please dont go too hard on me as i already feel like im going to burst into tears. Thank you for reading this.

xxx

You have just acknowledged that you are in love with another man, other than your fianc�. Based on this, do you think it would be appropriate to continue your relationship with your financ� and worse still, still continue to make wedding plans to marry this man?

No, i dont think its fair on him to. But what happens if i break up with him and then realise i have made the biggest mistake of my life, and that when push comes to shove, its my fiance that i really love and not this other guy? I know that sounds so selfish. I dont know, im just so confused.I'll probably end up, ending it with my fiance, upsetting everyone else in the process, friends family etc. going with the guy at work, after a couple of months realising that we were just in a honeymoon period and that we arent really suited, and then i'll end up with nothing and no one, but then thats probably exacty what i deserve for being a two timer.

i think it's selfish of you to worry about splitting up with him and making the biggest mistake of your life.

how would you feel if it were the other way round? would you want your fiance sticking with you while he was sleeping with someone else just because he was worried he might be making a mistake ending things with you? even though he loved the other woman and not you?

you really need to end your relationship now. the one with your fiance i mean. well probably both.

I have to say I agree totally. You have already entered into what sounds like an inappropriate relationship with this man, worrying about spiltting up with him now sounds a bit like shutting the door after the horse has bolted?

I'm not clear what question you're asking really. What do you want in your life/how do you see your future?

I think it's no coincidence that this all happened six months before you're getting married. It sounds to me like you got slightly cold feet and felt a bit bored with the stability of your life and subconsciously decided you needed a bit more stimulation and fun. I would think really carefully before you throw away your relationship with your fiance. You've been with him for three years. He wants to marry you. If I were you, I would end it with the work guy. There are so many issues there. Firstly, how is he going to feel about trusting you in the future? He might think - she did it to him, she can do it to me. Also, remember there's no going back. Your fiance won't want to know you once he finds out.
Whichever you choose though, you need to do it quickly. You can't keep going behind his back - it's not fair on him.

You have cheated on your fiance' not once but on a number of occassions.

Cancel the wedding as soon as possible. Yes, you will probably have to sell the flat but these things happen in life. Yes your fiance' will be sad, but I doubt very much that he will be a broken man. If you cannot be faithful whilst being engaged then what are the chances that your won't commit adultery when married? Only you can make that choice.

My advice is not to you but to both man you involved with....to dump you on the spot and then maybe you will learn your lesson. Bonne chance!

I wouldnt like it at all, i've been cheated on before so i should know better that its horrible and wrong. How do i tell him that i'm leaving him? Do i say that i think i have fallen out of love with him? I dont want to stick the knife in and give him all the details of this affair, what do i say to him?

Thank you for your replies, even though lhr_jfk, i think that was a bit un-called for, i just want advice not a slagging match.

Sunny - i'm not too sure what i want for my future. I just feel so confused. I think when i really sit down and think hard about things, i just want that feeling that i had back with my fiance, when i used to get butterflies, when everything was exciting, but things feel different now. Do i want this other guy more? Do i want this guy in my future? I dont know, i dont know how i will feel about him in a years time, whether or not the "spark" will go with him like it has with my fiance.

AmyRose - thank you for your post. i have been feeling like im running out of time, but i dont know what im running out of time for? I feel like i need to keep going out coz once im married i wont be able to do things any more. And you are so right, the work guy would never trust me, as the saying goes, "if they cheat with you, they cheat on you", so our relationship would need a hell of a lot of work. i agree, i do need to do something quickly, hence why i have come on to here to talk, i havent told anyone about it as i know that everyone will be ashamed and disapointed in me. I need to do something about it now, and i thought coming on here, talking to people about it, would help me make up my mind what to do.

I feel sick thinking about the position im in.

You could tell him that you have sadly fallen out of love with him and that you no longer feel happy being with him. It won't be easy but don't live a life of sadness and unhappiness and what if's.
People change through their life. They can and do outgrow one another. It sounds as if your relationship has sadly ran its course. Maybe you were just too young to settle down to begin with?

How do you feel? Only you know that. Think of how you would be like to be treated if this situation were the other way round?

I think it is one thing providing details which could be hurtful but what about being honest about why the relationship must be ended?

If it were the other way round i think i would rather know, definately. but its not easy telling someone that you have been seeing someone else behind their back.

I think this is what i'm going to do -
1 .i'm going to first stop seeing this guy at work.
2.Then after a couple of months i'm going to assess whether or not i am actually happy in my relationship.

I just hope in the meantime i can stop thinking about this other guy so to not cloud my judgement on whether or not its this guy that has made me fall out of love with my fiance or whether i felt like this in the first place.

I think thats what i need to work out. Whether or not i am actually happy with my fiance.

In a couple of months you will be only 4 months away from your wedding surely that is worse cancelling so close to it. Tell him now he probably has an inkling anyway based on how you treat him when you don't really want to be with him.

This is the thing, am i making incorrect decisions because i feel like i have to make a decision on whether to go ahead with the wedding right now? I mean, what would happen if i cancel the wedding and then in a months time think noooo why did i do that? I think i have definately got cold feet, im so confused, i cant think about what it is that i want.