Hey All,
I am new to this forum and the reason I am posting this is to understand the female viewpoint on my situation as I have already got the male view point from speaking to mates etc.
Let me give you the background. I have been with my girlfriend for nearly 3 years now and we are both very much in love and very happy. She is a fantastic person who is your typical libra -sociable, caring, creative but likes to be looked after. (she is obsessed with star signs and the importance will become apparent later). I am (apparently!) your typical Aires - very headstrong, a bit stubborn, natural leader, fun, social etc. Thats is probably why we work well together
We also have started up our own business together and it is growing very nicely and makes us both very happy, satisfied and driven to do better ( I am not that smug as it is really hard work and stressful and lots of other things!!)
She has been living with one of her best friends for about 5 years now and has known her for about 10 years. She is probably one of her 3 closest best friends and basically grew up and lived together through their early working careers. To simplify things lets call this best friend X.
Let me first describe X's personality. She is a very headstrong, efficient career women who works in a very male dominated arena. She is very capable and has really found her profession and is very successful. Again she is an Aires star sign and shows all the similar characteristics probably to myself - this is the reason my GF thinks we clash.
She has lots of positives sides/qualities - she is very generous, she is also caring and goes out of her way to help any friends in need. Her negatives sides are that she is very opinionated, she gets very moody and this has an effect on the atmosphere of our group of friends and other situations and i feel she is also a bully, especially towards my GF.
She has had my GF in tears on a few occasions as she has snapped at her for doing things wrong, breaking stuff, and many other incidents. My GF has to consistently act like she is treading on eggshells around her as she doesn't want to p%&*$#ss her off/make her moody. If X has had a bad day at work or hungover (about 2/3 times a week) she would often take it out on my GF. She also pushes away friends who don't support her and she has very strong opinions and is happy to make sure everyone knows. She then often does something that is completely opposite to these opinions and thus makes her a bit hypocritical.
We also have a close group of friends that X has a huge effect on. When she is around the group you can feel the tension in the air and everyone is so much more relaxed when she is not around. My GF has often said the group especially notice a tension between us but I really try and be relaxed and friendly around her for the sake of my GF. I feel I am very sociable and like to get everyone laughing and having fun.
I think in fairness that if X knew how she made my GF feel and also how the rest of our friendship group felt she would be devastated and she would change. I am not sure whether she understands the effect she is having or that she knows and cant help or that quite simply that no one stands up to her and therefore she gets away with it.
In terms of how it effects my GF, she wants everyone to get on and be happy. X and my Gf are very very good friends and the good times far outweigh the bad times and my GF thinks things will improve once she moves out. She has also feels that it only got worse when we started seeing each other. X was single at the time and her and my GF would spend most weekends out in town etc. Whilst I have known her X has one bf who dumped her - again a serious moody period when I thought she was incredibly selfish as she shunned people who tried to help her and then complained no-one was was there for her. X now has a boyfriend of 6 months and is very happy and has calmed down a lot although she still creates a feeling of tension.
I have often spoken to my GF about this and she knows that I don't see eye to eye with X. I have explained my reasonings for it and also talked it through why she may be like that. I really do make an effort to be nice and friendly and we do have a nice time when we are all together. My worry is that every time I am around her and she snaps or acts like a bully or just isn't very nice I have to bite my tongue as I don't want to upset my GF - she want everyone to get on and thinks that if I snap it will create even more tension and potentially push them further apart. I (and others) see her acting like a bully and someone needs to tell her to stop and be nice. In my previous job I sacked two people who were bullies and had made peoples lives miserable. My GF is also worried that when we go out drinking I might spurt out how I feel about X as obviously alcohol loosens the tongue.
What I want is for X to realise how she makes other people feel because I do genuinely think she would be devastated if she knew. Its not nice for people to feel like that, but I also want to the best for my GF who feels that shutting up and putting up is the best thing. I suppose again this is to do with my Aires traits!!
What I would like help on if firstly to find out if anyone else's boyfriends/husbands don't get on with your best mates and what your thoughts are and secondly what your advice would be for my situation.
Thanks again for your time and any help you might pass on. (p.s. majority of my mates said that putting up and shutting up was the best thing to do as its not fair to break up GF friendships and its better not to p%&*$#ss of a dominant female!!!)
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I can't stand my girlfriends best friend - advice needed!
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i agree with your mates. i'm afraid your girlfriend's relationships - however dysfunctional they are - are her relationships to run as she sees fit.
it's up to you to support her in her decisions, even if you don't agree with them. if she chooses to keep quiet and put up with it, then as you love your girlfriend and want her to be happy then you need to support her in that. considering you care enough about her to ask for advice, i'm sure you'll continue to do the right thing.
it's up to you to support her in her decisions, even if you don't agree with them. if she chooses to keep quiet and put up with it, then as you love your girlfriend and want her to be happy then you need to support her in that. considering you care enough about her to ask for advice, i'm sure you'll continue to do the right thing.
I agree with ceammi - your girlfriend's relationship with this friend was happening before your relationship with her and its up to her to change it.
I have a "volatile" relationship with a very good friend of mine and at times she drives me absolutely insane (right now being a perfect example) but then we come through it and all is forgotten until the next time. However, that said if your girlfriend is really getting down about her friendship then its up to her to address it.
You say that you're part of same social group and group are more relaxed when she's not there. Is this everyone's opinion or do you find yourself more relaxed and therefore enjoy yourself a bit more?
I'm an Aries (although not really into star signs) and would admit that I'm headstrong and know that I can make harsh/rash decisions but I also face up to the consequences if my decisions go wrong and I can apologise if my actions upset someone but sometimes I need to be aware that my actions have upset someone. Therefore if everyone tiptoes around her maybe she isn't aware of how people feel about her behaviour. If you're part of the same social circle could you not speak to her, not on behalf of your girlfriend but as a friend in the same circle.
If not then I'm afraid you have to suck it up and just get on with her because the last thing you want is for your girlfriend to feel that she has to choose between you.
I have a "volatile" relationship with a very good friend of mine and at times she drives me absolutely insane (right now being a perfect example) but then we come through it and all is forgotten until the next time. However, that said if your girlfriend is really getting down about her friendship then its up to her to address it.
You say that you're part of same social group and group are more relaxed when she's not there. Is this everyone's opinion or do you find yourself more relaxed and therefore enjoy yourself a bit more?
I'm an Aries (although not really into star signs) and would admit that I'm headstrong and know that I can make harsh/rash decisions but I also face up to the consequences if my decisions go wrong and I can apologise if my actions upset someone but sometimes I need to be aware that my actions have upset someone. Therefore if everyone tiptoes around her maybe she isn't aware of how people feel about her behaviour. If you're part of the same social circle could you not speak to her, not on behalf of your girlfriend but as a friend in the same circle.
If not then I'm afraid you have to suck it up and just get on with her because the last thing you want is for your girlfriend to feel that she has to choose between you.
Thanks for the advice. All makes sense and probably the best thing to do in the long run. Will keep quiet and try not to get too wound up!!
I don't know if you should suck it up, really. But then I am the sort of person who hates people who dominate everything with their moods or have people walking on eggshells. I think if it has got to the point where it affects your relationship then it has become your business. And, also, naturally, you are going to feel protective if your girlfriend is in tears. I don't think that is a normal part of friendship, tbh - not on a regular basis, anyway. It certainly isn't for me. That might be something you could point out to your gf.
Then again, if it's standing up to people that's the problem - and it appears to be - only she can do that. You can't do it for her and, if you do, you'll run the risk of interfering or, worse still, being seen as the controlling boyfriend. So I do think that, to some extent, you are in a situation where you can't win.
I'd say see how it pans out when X moves. Perhaps your girlfriend will be more relaxed and might make the connection between that nice feeling and not being with X and subtly keep reiterating that point.
I know what you mean, though. I think it will come to a head eventually, which might be for the greater good. I know if it were me, I wouldn't be able to hold my tongue for long - esp with alcohol involved!
Then again, if it's standing up to people that's the problem - and it appears to be - only she can do that. You can't do it for her and, if you do, you'll run the risk of interfering or, worse still, being seen as the controlling boyfriend. So I do think that, to some extent, you are in a situation where you can't win.
I'd say see how it pans out when X moves. Perhaps your girlfriend will be more relaxed and might make the connection between that nice feeling and not being with X and subtly keep reiterating that point.
I know what you mean, though. I think it will come to a head eventually, which might be for the greater good. I know if it were me, I wouldn't be able to hold my tongue for long - esp with alcohol involved!
Sounds like a clash between BOTH of you, to be honest, which this comment supports:
My GF has often said the group especially notice a tension between us
Try and relax about it or the tension will get worse and cause more than one rift.
My GF has often said the group especially notice a tension between us
Try and relax about it or the tension will get worse and cause more than one rift.
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