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Subject: depressed bf

Hi everyone,

Just wanted a bit of impartial advice about my relationship.

We've been together 5 months, happened fast and completely fell for eachother - I said I love you a month before he did - this is irrelevant but it made me a bit sensitive for a while.

Basically, his behaviour has completely changed, he thinks he is depressed. He has felt like this before while he was at university but apparently this is not as bad as it was then.
He was made redundant in December. He was hoping to move out of his parents place but thats gone out the window now due to the lack of job - his parents are coming down on him hard regarding getting a job etc.

The only information I have is that he doesn't feel like he wants to see anyone, he wants to go away for a while and be completely alone - I've felt this before so I'm trying to make it clear to him that I understand and that I am there for him.

Our relationship is suffering. He's such a loving person and cares so much about me but this is falling by the wayside as of late due to how he's feeling about life in general.

We don't see eachother very often and when we do we can't afford to do anything too exciting (he's broke, I've just started a new job), he drinks a fair bit more, and just generally shuts himself off from me. One minute completely silent looking like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders, the next being his normal hilarious and loving self.

He doesn't want to talk to me about it.

I believe in sticking by his side, he doesn't need yet another person nagging him or telling him they're unhappy with him.

How do I support him when I don't know anything? I've made it clear I am there for him and that he doesn't HAVE to tell me anything he doesn't want to.

He has just texted me saying "feel like sh*t. just want to be back to normal".

What can I do?

Thanks!

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londonloves1
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REPLY QUOTE Posted :
Subject: depressed bf

Hi everyone,

Just wanted a bit of impartial advice about my relationship.

We've been together 5 months, happened fast and completely fell for eachother - I said I love you a month before he did - this is irrelevant but it made me a bit sensitive for a while.

Basically, his behaviour has completely changed, he thinks he is depressed. He has felt like this before while he was at university but apparently this is not as bad as it was then.
He was made redundant in December. He was hoping to move out of his parents place but thats gone out the window now due to the lack of job - his parents are coming down on him hard regarding getting a job etc.

The only information I have is that he doesn't feel like he wants to see anyone, he wants to go away for a while and be completely alone - I've felt this before so I'm trying to make it clear to him that I understand and that I am there for him.

Our relationship is suffering. He's such a loving person and cares so much about me but this is falling by the wayside as of late due to how he's feeling about life in general.

We don't see eachother very often and when we do we can't afford to do anything too exciting (he's broke, I've just started a new job), he drinks a fair bit more, and just generally shuts himself off from me. One minute completely silent looking like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders, the next being his normal hilarious and loving self.

He doesn't want to talk to me about it.

I believe in sticking by his side, he doesn't need yet another person nagging him or telling him they're unhappy with him.

How do I support him when I don't know anything? I've made it clear I am there for him and that he doesn't HAVE to tell me anything he doesn't want to.

He has just texted me saying "feel like sh*t. just want to be back to normal".

What can I do?

Thanks!

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-Coops-
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REPLY QUOTE Posted :
Subject: depressed bf

Hey, I'm new here although been visiting for a while. Usually the other regular posters nail the advice but I thought this time I could actually contribute having been in a similar situation.

My boyfriend and I have been together 6 months so not much longer than you, he left his job in December (maybe not the wisest move given the current climate but I completely supported his reasons for leaving). Anyway he decided that December there was no point in looking for a job most companies won't recruit so close that side of Christmas. Anyway come January both he and I were optimistic that something would come along in a couple of weeks. It didn't, I pretty much left him to it and only inquired from time to time whether he'd applied for anything recently or heard back from anyone - I know having been unemployed and job-hunting myself the last thing you want is someone asking how it's going all the time, you end up feeling like your a failure because you don't seem to be getting anywhere and it is demoralising telling people that nothing's come along yet and any interviews you do have you don't want to get your hopes up just in case so you end up down playing the whole thing. It's no fun and incredibly stressful so I can fully understand why your boyfriend is okay one minute and then very down the next. Fortunately my OH accepted a job today. Finally.

If you are really concerned that your bf is depressed try and encourage him to get out and go to the gym or do some kind of exercise, when you're not working and therefore trying not to spend any money you can end up feeling very cooped up and that in itself is depressing. So you should encourage him to get out the house. Also if he can try and maintain or implement a bit of a routine, i.e. not spending the entire day in bed or lounging around that can help too. When my boyfriend was finding it difficult he went silent, he wouldn't say what was wrong but I suppose I already knew he was simply fed up of the situation.

Being without a job seems so ominous, it's very hard to plan anything even a month in advance let alone 6 or booking a holiday because you simply don't know when it will end and because of that it's very hard to feel in control. If your bf is someone who does err on the less optimistic side of things then you need to try and understand these fears. Unfortunately it is one of those situations that affects both people in a relationship and as much as you want to help, it's up to him to change it.

One of the things that I did was I looked into what was going on locally to us, I found an awful lot that was free or cost very little. It was a good way to get the OH out of the house if I was enthusiastic about going somewhere and made him feel okay because it didn't cost any money. The other thing we did was we went to stay with his parents in Devon, apart from the cost of petrol is was a very cheap weekend and it was a nice change of scenery. Do you have any family or friends who you could spend a weekend with, somewhere you could go for walks and just get away from it all. Since he's living with his family who are not surprisingly, although somewhate unencouragingly, on his back it might be good if he gets a break from them.

Good on you for sticking by him, be kind to him - I expect his ego is feeling a little flat. Men can find it harder than women being unemployed, as much as we like to think society is equal - men still want to be able to look after those closest to them.

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londonloves1
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Subject: depressed bf

Thanks so much for responding.

I was unemployed for 5 months before getting this job, during that time I was feeling very low as you would expect, and like I wanted to just run away but not at one point did I let it affect our relationship - if anything he made it all better and its just getting a bit frustrating that I'm being pushed to the sidelines and being completely taken for granted really.

Because I don't want to make things harder for him I dont speak up when I'm unhappy about something, I even question if he loves me sometimes because his actions are not loving.

He takes all this out on myself, his mum, and his sister - his friends do not see this side of him.

I just got off the phone with him actually. Said he just doesn't care about anything anymore. Also that he's not going to come round to my flat for a long long time after tonight - he's worried that my flatmate thinks he's an alcoholic or something as he always seems to be drinking when she's around. I assured that she's never said anything, she would never judge him especially when it comes to alcohol (she drinks everyday).

So do we just not see eachother for a few weeks? Which sounds like one of those ridiculous "breaks" or do I just keep trying to talk to him?

I can see how our conversation will go tonight, he'll just be trying to push me further and further away.

He goes to the gym a fair bit already. Also, if I suggest anything, even if its free or I'm paying he's not interested in the slightest. He feels no desire to satisfy me, treat me like a queen, look after me (I've been sad about a few things recently), no desire to basically act like a boyfriend.
My parents live in the countryside so I will suggest us going there for a weekend but he's not met them yet and apparently doesn't want to when he 'looks like he does now' - I dont understand this. He's absolutely gorgeous, not overweight or anything but seems to have a complex about this.

It's true that men want to look after those closest to them. I told him last night that sometimes I lie awake at night trying to think how I can make him happier, and he reacted badly saying that he's the one that should be doing that because he's the man in the relationship.

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ambipure
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REPLY QUOTE Posted :
Subject: depressed bf

I agree with 'London Loves' for the most part. I am again in a similar situation as my boyfriend is also unemployed and it has affected him the same way although mine is further complicated by him grieving aswell. My only extra piece of advice may seem harsh but it has helped me.. which is not to always be soft on him. I do get cross with my boyfriend if he stays in bed all day and does nothing and I don't see what is wrong with that. You can't help him unless he wants to help himself!
As for what you have just added, it seems to me that this is not a situation which is naturally going to improve. He may need to talk to someone like SANEline or something, they give good impartial advice. I am really glad to hear he goes to the gym a lot as this increases the endorphins etc so is a healthy habit to cling onto.
Good luck, chin up!

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love_cakes123456
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Subject: depressed bf

Hi there,
I am in a bit of a rush but read this and wanted to ask something. Have you suggested your bf visits the docs and asks to be referred to speak to someone. It sounds like he needs CBT (C ognitive behavioural therapy ), which is something I am currently doing, to get help with my axiety and panic attacks, but also help with depression.
Here's a link here:
http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/cognitive-behavioural-therapy/Pages/Introduction.aspx
I know some people are not keen on the idea or going to the doctors or talking to other people, but it sounds like he could do with some help.
Best of luck and I think you're wonderful for sticking by him. xxxxx

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Rosieqolderandwiser
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Subject: depressed bf

Hi - seems there's a lot of advice on what YOU should do, which is all very well but in the end it won't really matter if you're the most supportive and understanding girlfriend that has ever lived - it's up to him.

He is the only one who can make a decision about going to the doctors, getting exercise, CBT, etc etc. You can suggest it til you are blue in the face but he'll most likely not take any notice and view your helpful suggestions as 'nagging'.

That sounds a bit cynical but I speak from experience. My bloke was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder many many years ago. I don't actually think he has that but he certainly has depression. We've been together 4 years and for the first 2 years I took it on myself to try and 'help' him.

Result - a mega load of stress and frustration.

Started doing a counselling skills course a while ago and have learnt to LET GO.

It isn't my fault.

I personally cannot change his state of mind.

His mental health is his own responsibility.

It's important to take care of yourself, have supportive friends and family, and your own life away from him so that when he is down you don't get dragged down with him.

Be encouraging, listen and be kind but put yourself first. Don't get sucked into the myth that anything you do will change anything about him and how he feels.

It is very very difficult to let go in this way but letting go is really the only helpful thing to do. As otherwise you can become a bit of a focus, it's very easy when depressed to project negative feelings onto someone else. If they are clear that their health is under their control, not yours, then that's a much more healthy state to be in.

Good luck.

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satsumakitten
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Subject: depressed bf

He thinks he is depressed

If he thinks this, then he has a responsibility to himself to get this diagnosed and treated properly.

I suggest getting him to the doctors and letting the professionals support him - you can't take all this on your own shoulders.

If he broke his leg, you wouldn't try and fix it for him...mental health issues are no different.

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Mr_Mannering
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Subject: depressed bf

Sats, on the nose.

Well dang, I found my original profile and sign in ! Tis me !

I may not always be right.... but I'm never wrong.

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heartandflowers20
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REPLY QUOTE Posted :
Subject: depressed bf

Totally AGREE. Yes your there for him and that's lovely of you, but your boyfriend has to feel better in his own mind. Professionals can help. It's good he's going to the Gym. If he reallly does want to get better then you can only encourage him to do things that will be good for his Mental Health in the Longterm.

Wishing you Well

Love Heartsandflowers x

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