Right I'm trying to unravel this...

Don't really know how to start. My OH was away last night for work, big event for all their offices then a dinner. He's a bit of a softie and didn't particularly want to go as we're like ships passing in the night a bit this week + I'm away on Friday.

Anyhoo he came back this morning after breakfast and has the day off today so plan was to play golf as he usually does when he's off in the week.

He hasn't played golf as he says he feels a bit rough as they had a few drinks last night went to bed at 12.30pm, nothing major.

I trust him completely, we have a great relationship and are similar in many ways. I'm trying to understand where my annoyance about this matter stems from as I don't think it's from him so this is where i need your help.

It annoyed me that he didn't feel up to playing golf becasue he felt rough. Totally unreasonable I know, and crikey I've had my share of hangovers. I didn't say anything to him as I know it's irrational and like I said it's not him, it's what the drinking represents to me (and this is what I'm trying to work out).

The thing is, this is how I've felt in all my relationships, I seem to be uncomfortable with my OH's drinking a bit too much and I'm not sure why??

I'm wondering if it's either connected to my ex and that he was a bit of a binge drinker and I also had trust issues with him. Also it could be that if I ever drink too much and feel rubbish the next day, I feel real annoyed with myself like I should be able to know when enough is enough by now.

Any thoughts?? x

Sorry but I don't see what your problem is apart from begrudging your other half having a good time, I could understand your concern if he was doing it every day of the week.

Maybe I didn't make it clear, apologies. As I mentioned it's not about my OH, which is why I haven't said anthing to him as it's MY reaction, MY issue (not his problem etc.). It's more to do with my attitude to alcohol and that's what I'm trying to unravel.

I'm studying counselling so I'm aware when people have reactions to something (whether they verbalise it or not) there's usually a root cause, a fear or something, I was just hoping I could try and get to the bottom of that somehow.

I get nervous around very very drunk people and especially the sort of drunk when the person is a liability and is falling over and acting weird.
If you've had issues with an untrustworthy pisshead ex, then I can understand you've got residual discomfort.
It's the loss of control in a person that upsets me.

It has to be linked to your experiences with your ex I think.

I had a four year with an alocholic and am very aware of how new boyfriends handle their drink; subconciously drawing parallels.

It just stays with you I think.

Try not to be too hard on him.

Sometimes the mind is a bit starange and what we are capable of creating issues, where there are none and giving too miuch creadance to ' thoughts' and I think we should grab them and quickly turn them round and get back on track.
this is what im thinking too sunny
youre in a slightly conflicting situation though, your course demands that you examine your reactions, but sometimes your reactions dont deserve examining. I think giving too much air space to niggles can turn them into anxieties, however, your anxieties deserve to be fully considered
Id agree its because of your associations with trust and your ex. You know i know, but your oh is not your ex, and i think in a constructive way you can examine this and separate the 2 out through conscious examination, according to freud, once you consciously recognise the distinction, the subconscious is sated, we all know about freuds shortcomings but i think on that one theres some value
Also it could be that if I ever drink too much and feel rubbish the next day, I feel real annoyed with myself like I should be able to know when enough is enough by now
this is stuff you have direct control over, so less likely to be the cause of your subconscious pointing at your oh - i think the things you have no control over are more likely to resurface in issues. What do you think sunny? what you think is where things are, is where they are. You have the control even if your subconscious is seemily doing the controlling.

Thankyou, thankyou everyone, a lot of what said makes sense to me :- )

If you've had issues with an untrustworthy pisshead ex, then I can understand you've got residual discomfort. It's the loss of control in a person that upsets me.

It has to be linked to your experiences with your ex I think.


wau wau & satsuma, yes I think this is the most likely source of it and I recognise this is not my OH. With my ex, despite being 33 his drinking was almost like a rebellious side for not wanting to be a grown up and accept any responsibility for anything. I know this isn't my OH, yet I suppose this just reminds me of that. My ex and I were together for 6 years and in essence when we split up it was becasue he still wanted freedom and no attachments, after 6 years it was tough to deal with. My OH is the opposite though which is why I'm kind of annoyed that the ex still has an impact, but I know these things can't be just wiped away.


I think you are being hard on yourslef and looking for answers - niggles happen and as long as you are aware of your wobbles and don;t let them intrude, then its OK and just move on.

Mannering thankyou, I think I can be hard on myself and I try my best to do as you mention, kind of be aware, acknowldege and move on. But you're right I think we can make issues bigger than they need to be, I think I needed reminding of that.

Id agree its because of your associations with trust and your ex. You know i know, but your oh is not your ex, and i think in a constructive way you can examine this and separate the 2 out through conscious examination, according to freud, once you consciously recognise the distinction, the subconscious is sated, we all know about freuds shortcomings but i think on that one theres some value.

Thankyou Nato, I hope so, maybe I've done this now, with just kind of acknowledging it on here? I would hate my OH in any way to be effected by any of my ex's behaviour. I'm a much stronger person now with a fairly healthy mind so hopefully I have it in check. But like I said it kind of just annoys me that the ex's behaviour still has to pop up, even though I'm not reacting to it!!

this is stuff you have direct control over, so less likely to be the cause of your subconscious pointing at your oh - i think the things you have no control over are more likely to resurface in issues. What do you think sunny? what you think is where things are, is where they are. You have the control even if your subconscious is seemily doing the controlling.

You're right this is me and I do have control over me. It's funny as I'm seeing a friend later and she's currently very down. Her husband is a good friend of my ex and she's now experiencing what I experienced with the ex, the binge drinking, he's going out and ending up in strip clubs, coming home drunk and totally unable to help her the next day with their young child. There's a lot of stuff going on there, which I think she'll tell me more of later, but I know I absolutely couldn't deal with this ever again, it's not for me. I'm so thankful that I don't have that anymore, it rotted away at me and made me a shadow of the person I was, so I think it's almost just a reminder of how far I have come xx

With my ex, despite being 33 his drinking was almost like a rebellious side for not wanting to be a grown up and accept any responsibility for anything. I know this isn't my OH, yet I suppose this just reminds me of that. My ex and I were together for 6 years and in essence when we split up it was becasue he still wanted freedom and no attachments, after 6 years it was a tough to deal with. My ex is the opposite though which is why I'm kind of annoyed that how the ex was still has an impact, but I know these things can't be just wiped away.
i think this shows perfectly how issues from past relationships mutate into anxieties about current ones. Espec as how its presenting currently is when your oh doesnt want to go to golf, as the golf doesnt represent a shirking of responsibilities like the ex's drinking did. Its been mutated onto drinking, rather than shirking responsibilities - the way its manifesting itself has been skewed by your subconscious reactions - you see a likeness, and transpose the past issue onto current behaviours but not the same current behaviours as your ex's past behaviours.
CBT would say you can wipe it away by wiping it away so to speak
maybe I've done this now, with just kind of acknowledging it on here?
yes, as long as you follow it up with conscious recognition when the feelings arise. I think youre absolutely capable of doing that - it just takes a bit of maintenance. Self awareness can do an awful lot, and your recognition of it demonstrates self awareness
your poor friend. x

Thankyou Nato, it's exactly that. I'm protective of what I have now, so I'm anxious to kick the anxiety out of the way and stick 2 fingers up at it

Yes, my poor friend. I think there are many things going on between her and her husband. However I think one of the issues she's going to have, is that this has only just become a problem for her. Maybe something has changed for her and she sees his behaviour differently now. She used to be ok with it my ex used to joke, that I should be like her and now she's feeling like I did. I'm heading over there after work to spend some time with her. x

Ummm, you have to learn to listen to the rational part of you - the part the knows that its is not reasonable to feel cheesed off, you have to train yourself to keep saying a kind of mantra to yourself - we can train and control our thoughts and behaviour far more than we are awre of, you know that from your counselling.

Sometimes the mind is a bit starange and we are capable of creating issues, where there are none and giving too much creadance to ' thoughts' and I think we should grab them and quickly turn them round and get back on track.

I think you are being hard on yourself and looking for answers - niggles happen and as long as you are aware of your wobbles and don;t let them intrude, then its OK and just move on.

You know he did nothing 'wrong' - you get that. So, stop questioning yourself and just move on.