Divorced bf doesn't ever want to marry again...

Hi everyone

This is something that is really bothering me and it would be good to get some different views on it.

I have been with my bf for a year or so and we moved in together in November. We'd been friends for a couple of years previous to that as we used to work together. When I first met him, he'd just got married to someone he'd been with for 6 years. After less than a year of marriage, she left, apparently deciding that she didn't want to be with him anymore and they should never have got married. It hit him hard, took him a while to get over it and, over the space of about 18 months, we became closer before getting together about this time last year. We are both 32.

It feels like we've been together forever and our relationship is great in (almost) every way, we've talked about having children and everything. The only thing that bothers me is that he is adamant he doesn't want to get married again. He says he wasn't fussed about getting married the first time round as it's just a piece of paper, expensive and doesn't guarantee anything etc. As far as he's concerned he was proved right and after everything he certainly doesn't want to do it again.

The thing is, I do want to get married... I'm a bit of a traditionalist - I don't want to be a 'Miss' forever and I don't want to have a different name to my children. Being part of a married family is important to me and I can see this becoming more and more of an issue as time goes on. I just can't think of a solution.... I don't want to keep pressurising him about it as I have to respect what he wants (we've only spoken about it a couple of times), but at the same time I can't imagine not ever getting married.

Sorry the post is a bit long but if you've got this far, any views/advice would be appreciated.

Thanks
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Your b/f is certainly right that marriage doesn't guarantee a lifelong r/ship. Also, there is no need for any children you have to have a different surname to you. They could have a double-barrelled one.
Your b/f loves you, and I think you need to decide which is more important - marriage, or having children with the man you love, because atm it looks as though you may not be able to have both.

why would your children have a different surname to you? as far as i'm concerned, children have the same surname as the mother, and if you're not married, then he'll have the different surname, not you.

i suppose you need to decide, what's more important - the traditional married family or being with him? could i be with someone who never wanted to marry? i doubt it, so i really understand where you're coming from. but only you know which is more important - marriage or him.

There's always deed-pole you can call yourself what you want then, that way you could all have the same surname. Please dont let this issue eat away at you, as surely the best part of bein with him is because you know he loves you and a piece of paper and the big white wedding isn't going to change that.

I agree that you need to decide what is more important. If the surname thing is a problem then there are deed poll is way round that. You can call yourself Mrs or Miss or whatever you want. Those really aren't big reasons not be with him.

And to be fair, its early in your relationship and given that he's only recently divorced I can see why he is a bit anti-marriage at the moment but unless its something you want in the near future then why not just see where things go and worry about it when it really is an issue.

Marriage is very important to me, as like you, I'm very traditional, and would like to be married before I have children. Luckily, my OH of four years feels the same.

However, if he didn't want to marry, I think I would accept that: it's important to me, but it isn't more important than our relationship, and ultimately, it is just a piece of paper, and I personally don't need that to be assured of my partner's love for me and the importance of our relationship.

I would talk to him about how you feel, but don't come on too strong: it's early days yet after all and I can see why he might be a bit anti-marriage if he's recently divorced. I would look at the reasons why marriage is so important to you: I can understand your concerns about having children, but really, children won't care if you're married or not as long as you have a stable, loving relationship. As far as the name issue goes, you could change your name or double-barrel your children's surnames and can use 'Ms' rather than 'Miss' if you prefer.

A lot of women say they want marriage for the meaning of it, but I do wonder whether part of it is because they want the big white wedding; the fact he's mentioned expense would suggest to me that this is what your partner is thinking at any rate. If you don't want the big white wedding, perhaps he would be more amenable to the idea and maybe this is something you could discuss with him? If it is the big white wedding that you want then maybe you need to question your true motivations.

Thanks for your replies everyone.

I know our relationship is still really in it's youth and my desire to be married doesn't necessarily mean that I want it right now. I can also honestly say that it's not about the big white wedding for me, I'd hate the formality and showiness (is that a word??) of all that. I'd be happy with a small, intimate civil ceremony followed by a casual party/bbq for close family and friends or something... for me it's more about being married than the actual wedding itself.

I suppose I'm just thinking that it will always be in the back of my mind and I can't help feeling somewhat disappointed or a slight feeling of something missing, if it was to never happen.

That said, I can't see myself ending what is otherwise a fantastic relationship with the most wonderful, genuine, gorgeous guy because of the marriage thing.

I suppose I've answered my own question there haven't I?!

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Hi Laydeebird!
I can understand the way you feel - my mum and dad never got married, they have always just lived together, and this was at a time when it was not the norm. My dad has asked my mum a few times over the years and she has always said no. It leaves me with mixed views really - from experience, I know that a marriage is more than having the piece of paper, and the fact that they are not tied to each other in an official way makes their commitment in some ways seem even more special.
However, in some ways I also feel that has made me more traditional at heart - because my mum and dad were not married, it made me a bit insecure when I was little that my mum and dad might split up if they had an argument. Childish I know, but hey, I was a child at the time when I worried about that! It also led me to believe that if they had got the ultimate commitment in the form of a child then my mum's refusal to marry my dad despite this seemed a bit confusing - if my dad was good enough to have a child with, why was he not good enough to marry?
I don't know if I will get married, I love Mr. Boo and would like it to be him one day, but it's still early days and we are not near that stage. Mr Boo doesn't really seem convinced by marriage - his mum and dad got divorced when he was little and he's not really seen a successful example of a marriage. However, I know that if Mr Boo and I stay together, I would be prepared to put aside my ideas of marriage if we were both happy and committed to being with each other. I think sometimes to work out if you are with Mr. Right, you have to be prepared to not be married to him, to realise he is the one.

I can totally understand where you're coming from and for me it would be a deal breaker, as silly as it would seem to some, I wouldn't want to have children with someone who wouldn't be married to me. Luckily me OH wants marriage and kids and all thats so is fine but if he didn't, I would question why he didn't want a lifelong commitment to me - I know people say it doesn't guarantee anything, but I think its a sgn that you intend to spend the rest of your life with someone.

I'm not knocking people who don't get married, their relationships are not any less committed etc, just for me, being brought up in a catholic family, marriage is important to me. As barbie says, if it's not all about the white wedding, he may be more amenable, in the future to a civil ceremony with your nearest and dearest and obviously deed poll etc is an option if not.

I do think you need to talk about it though, because it seems like its in the back of your mind and the longer you're together the more its going to grow into an issue unless you nip it in the bud now. Obviously you don't want to make him propose right now but you can ask him whether in the future, years away, he could consider getting married, and if not, then you have to ask yourself if you can accept that.
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It could also be thought about from a different point of view;

He loves you so much he doesn't want to risk anything getting in the way or changing what you have and maybe he feels that the only time he married it went wrong.

I am divorced and i dont want to get married again as I love my man too much to risk the happiness we have!!!



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