I had been seeing a guy for three and a half months until last week, when I broke things off with him. We met through mutual friends, and he was very open in pursuing me - he arranged a dinner party just to get to speak to me and for the first month or so we spent loads of time together. However, having been badly bruised before and also the fact that he was JUST SO BEAUTIFUL AND COOL i was always very guarded, forced myself to think of it as just a casual thing. When he then went home for Christmas (he's half german) I tried to resign myself to having had a very nice fling for a month or so. However, he text me NYE saying he missed me, and that he couldn't wait to see me; when he came back I said straight up that I didn't want anything to happen if he;d slept with anyone else while he was away - he told me he didn't even want to sleep with anyone else, he wanted this to be 'something'.
We are both at university; after Christmas we both had exams so didn't see each other for a couple of weeks (he literally locked himself in his room for two weeks - he is on a scholarship and is top of the year, works incredibly hard). I was a little confused at first, but we talked and he said it was just how he is - he wants to get a first, and to be fair he didn't see anyone over this time, it wasn't just me and all his freinds were very annoyed with him too for being such a recluse. however, he did ask me to come on holiday with him and his freinds, which i was a bit nervous about but also really excited too. he text me one night saying he was sorry he was such a muppet and missed me, and really wanted 'us' to 'work' but had to focus on work to get his schaolarships for next year. annoyingly, though, when exams were over, he got really ill (overwork i imagine!) and was in bed for a week - i spoke to him every day but he was literally puking or sleeping for a week. he was too ill to come on holiday, and i wasn't sure what to do - he persuaded me to go, as he said that he wanted me to get to know his freinds better. so i went, had fun, it was great, he was going to try and come up halfway through but was still way too ill.
when we (eventually) saw each other again it was great, but both of us were both really tied up with work that we only saw each other every few days, about once a week on average id guess. but when we did see each other it was great; we would cook, he'd get a film i said i liked, i'd stay over, we'd make breakfast in the morning, or we'd go out with freinds, or we'd argue about politics, whatever. i sort of got a bit scared though, as i said i had been badly hurt before and was a bit worried that this was getting a bit serious. THEN a mutual freind mentioned to me that he thought that this guy treated me really badly by not putting me first and seeing me more. i was really annoyed, as up to that point i had felt really happy with how slow but lovely everything was, i liked how independent we both were. it put loads of doubt into my head. i basically have no confidence with relationships anyway, and this threw me a lot. i brought it up with the guy, and he was really surprised that i felt like that. suddenly it felt like everyone around us thought it was just a casual thing and that i looked stupid, suddenly i started doubting everything and thinking that maybe it was just a convenience thing for him, that if he really liked someone he would want to see them more.
basically, i said all this to him (very calmly and rationally) one morning, and just said that i didn't feel very happy or secure and that i thought maybe i actually needed more then what we had. he is a very laid back bloke, i'm not very girly about relationships, and i think there was a fundamental lack of communication about how we really felt - it hadnt mattered before but suddenly i really wanted him to tell me that i looked good, or be a bit more cuddly in bed, stupid little things that hadn't mattered to me before. he was really shocked and got really upset, but didn;t say much, so i took this as a sign that he agreed and left.
he spent the whole weekend asking to meet up to talk, because he said he;d been so shocked by what he said that he didn't know how to react. when we eventually did, we went for a really nice walk by the river and he was really honest. he said he'd never had a long term relationship before because he'd never liked anyone enough, and he didn't know how it was meant to work. he said he really liked me, and didn't want anyone else, but if i was asking him to be different - more 'romantic' and intense, then it would be asking him to change his personality, as he's really not like that, and which he (and i) didn't want him to do. basically he said that he didn't want anything to change, but if i wanted something else, he wasn't ready for that yet.
so i'd like to think i have self respect, and i said that if it wasn't going anywhere i couldn't see the point in it, and ended it. this was a week ago, and im well confused now. since then, we have talked pretty much every day, with him making all the effort, crashing in on my private coffees with freinds, and staying for an extra hour in the pub with me and a guy he doesn't even like after his freinds all left. i mentioned i was taking my driving test, and he searched out his theory books and cds from years ago and text me at seven am to ask me if i wanted any help with it. we talk everyday and obviously there is still something there - i couldnt go to a party because a shift at work ran over and he text me at midnight asking me where i was and that he missed me. so i don't know what to do. he is everything i thought i wanted in a bloke, and i feel so stupid for giving him up when i like him so much. im wondering whether im just expecting too much or what, he is honest and decent and so open about us being together to our freinds, he works hard hes smart, hes so cool and beautiful (did i mention that bit?!)... and i freaked out because of one comment from a guy who, before christmas, was cheating on his girlfirend with two best mates at the same time.
and i LIKED the way things were, i didnt mind not seeing each other every second of the day because i like my independence, im busy and it makes seeing each other more special. so why have i broken up with him?! am i being stupid? or really if we liked each other more would things be different? shouldn';t he have fought for me more? or is this just my emotional hangups with my ex getting in the way? gah so confused. i cant work out what is my insecurity talking and what is me 'realising' that its not right, that hes not that into me. i literally dont know what im on about now.
FORUMS
FORUM RSS
am i an idiot?
Author
Message
I think that you should give him a chance. He has been honest and open (as much as anyone else could be) and you genuinely sound as though you were happy with things until the comment was made by your mate. If it works for you as it is right now then keep it going and give it a chance, if you think that you do want something more then you need to work that out and stay away if that is the case.
Dont let outsiders affect your judgement; if something suits you then it isnt their concern to judge what you should be receiving.
Dont let outsiders affect your judgement; if something suits you then it isnt their concern to judge what you should be receiving.
why let others put doubts in your mind? if you're happy with the way the relationship's going/is, then whose business is it how you're managing your affairs?
Completely agree with the others. If the two of you are happy with how YOUR relationship is and the two of you are open and honest with each other then it is nothing to do with anybody else.
For example I have a friend who I have regular "discussions" with because she doesn't believe that I don't want to be married with babies. Her opinion is that EVERY woman wants a husband and babies (unsurprisingly she's single!).
And for the record, seeing someone I like a couple of times a week sounds perfect to me, there are only 7 days in a week after all.
Give it a try but just be honest with each other and yourself. ENJOY LIFE !!!!
For example I have a friend who I have regular "discussions" with because she doesn't believe that I don't want to be married with babies. Her opinion is that EVERY woman wants a husband and babies (unsurprisingly she's single!).
And for the record, seeing someone I like a couple of times a week sounds perfect to me, there are only 7 days in a week after all.
Give it a try but just be honest with each other and yourself. ENJOY LIFE !!!!
lemon, i think you have been very rash and very hasty. you liked how things were, that means you two were compatible. why on earth have you ended it?
I would look at how easily led you have been, it sounds to me like you dont have a very strong sense of self. Its not healthy for other peoples comments to have such an impact on what your views are, espec if they change your views from happy with someone whos right for you, to ending that relationship because you believe that they think must have no self respect.
why are you confused? your feelings for him seem very simple - your confusion seems to be from the conflict of their opinions vs your opinions. You dont seem to trust your own opinions, it can be very hard to feel sure about something if youve never learned to make decisions for yourself, but a good basic guide to what you should do is always go with what feels right, what makes you feel good about yourself and what makes you feel content. For eg, you followed their advice and do you feel good about yourself now? So if someone tells you your relationship looks weird, before changing your mind to meet their expectations of you, ask yourself if you are happy. If you arent, reconsider, if you are, tell them you are happy
I would look at how easily led you have been, it sounds to me like you dont have a very strong sense of self. Its not healthy for other peoples comments to have such an impact on what your views are, espec if they change your views from happy with someone whos right for you, to ending that relationship because you believe that they think must have no self respect.
why are you confused? your feelings for him seem very simple - your confusion seems to be from the conflict of their opinions vs your opinions. You dont seem to trust your own opinions, it can be very hard to feel sure about something if youve never learned to make decisions for yourself, but a good basic guide to what you should do is always go with what feels right, what makes you feel good about yourself and what makes you feel content. For eg, you followed their advice and do you feel good about yourself now? So if someone tells you your relationship looks weird, before changing your mind to meet their expectations of you, ask yourself if you are happy. If you arent, reconsider, if you are, tell them you are happy
<span style="font-size:10px;" class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size:14px;" class="Apple-style-span"><span style="color:#000080;" class="Apple-style-span">"I'm not selling you my baby Nato."<
nato - hmm, i don't think its a case of not having a "sense of self in general", but i think you def have a point when it comes to relationships. because in other areas of my life i'm very motivated and decisive, i like to be strong and sort myself out. so i find it very hard to let go of that and be vulnerable and "girly" in relationships - hence the lack of romance from my side. i was a little bit affronted when i first read what you wrote, but after a bit of thought it has made me realise that my post above is very unlike my usual thought processes, very unlike "me" in general. i think on refelction i am a bit schizoprenic in relationship terms, sometimes i want to be strong and on equal terms with the guy, other times i want to be looked after and girly but don't like to let myself do it. i'm also terrified of losing face -pride i guess. hmm, thankyou, you have given me something to ponder, i feel like i can see myself pretty clearly right now!
oops i didnt mean to affront you! i meant to point out the implicit from your post.
so i find it very hard to let go of that and be vulnerable and "girly" in relationships
you dont have to be girly to know what you want though? can you explain that a bit more please? just interested in what your perception of being in a relationship is. I dont go for romance either, in fact it makes me very uncomfortable and slightly queasy, i think its a big rip off, falling for romance masks what you need to find out, if you are compatible and you actually like this person, so i dont go for it either. Vunerable is a different matter though. By loving someone, you become vunerable in that you accept that this person has the potential to hurt you, but thats why you need to know first if they are someone you like and can get along with. A man is equally vunerable if they let themselves love too - so i dont see vunerable as exclusively a girly type thing - men get hurt
sometimes i want to be strong and on equal terms with the guy, other times i want to be looked after and girly but don't like to let myself do it.
you can have both at the same time, i think being strong just means that you know who you are, and what your boundaries are, and you say you know who you are - i think knowing who you are automatically makes you less vunerable as that means you are less likely to be taken in by romance and are more likely to see him clearly. If you have a strong sense of self, then you are less likely to fall into a dysfunctional relationship and try to love someone whos bad for you - i am confused as to why you ended something you were enjoying with someone you liked though - maybe you have a personal conflict that the comments this mutual friend made highlighted for you? If thats the case, then maybe consider that you are still trying things out for size and that you are still establishing what you want in certain areas of your life. That does make you more vunerable in itself, but its certainly not something you should resist, maybe more something that you should enjoy finding out more about as you establish if you and he are right for each other?
so i find it very hard to let go of that and be vulnerable and "girly" in relationships
you dont have to be girly to know what you want though? can you explain that a bit more please? just interested in what your perception of being in a relationship is. I dont go for romance either, in fact it makes me very uncomfortable and slightly queasy, i think its a big rip off, falling for romance masks what you need to find out, if you are compatible and you actually like this person, so i dont go for it either. Vunerable is a different matter though. By loving someone, you become vunerable in that you accept that this person has the potential to hurt you, but thats why you need to know first if they are someone you like and can get along with. A man is equally vunerable if they let themselves love too - so i dont see vunerable as exclusively a girly type thing - men get hurt
sometimes i want to be strong and on equal terms with the guy, other times i want to be looked after and girly but don't like to let myself do it.
you can have both at the same time, i think being strong just means that you know who you are, and what your boundaries are, and you say you know who you are - i think knowing who you are automatically makes you less vunerable as that means you are less likely to be taken in by romance and are more likely to see him clearly. If you have a strong sense of self, then you are less likely to fall into a dysfunctional relationship and try to love someone whos bad for you - i am confused as to why you ended something you were enjoying with someone you liked though - maybe you have a personal conflict that the comments this mutual friend made highlighted for you? If thats the case, then maybe consider that you are still trying things out for size and that you are still establishing what you want in certain areas of your life. That does make you more vunerable in itself, but its certainly not something you should resist, maybe more something that you should enjoy finding out more about as you establish if you and he are right for each other?
<span style="font-size:10px;" class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size:14px;" class="Apple-style-span"><span style="color:#000080;" class="Apple-style-span">"I'm not selling you my baby Nato."<
ps the others said similar, i just went into more detail, get them too
<span style="font-size:10px;" class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size:14px;" class="Apple-style-span"><span style="color:#000080;" class="Apple-style-span">"I'm not selling you my baby Nato."<
yes, sorry, big thanks to everyone who replied. these relationship things aren't the end of the world but they do take up headspace don't they. i haven't replied because the site keeps crashing on me - very annoying, i keep wriitng posts and they disapear.
miss inquisitive and ceammi - i completely agree that you shouldn't let others dictate to you; i don't know why it got to me so much. maybe it is this thing about being 'happy' though thats the clincher, from the perspective of a couple of weeks i don't think i was very happy, or at least i didnt feel very secure or safe in the relationship, maybe just due to the circumstances, or maybe we just aren't very compatible right now. i think i did really think that it should be going somewhere, and didn't want to address it because it might mean losing him.
me at work: i am a big fan of the laid back relationship where you respect each others space; but i think you need emotional security to be able to do that. i think that wasn't what i sure about, whether the relatively slow pace was a sign that we were both happy and both of the same mind when it came to relationships, or whether it was because something wasn't quite right so we didn't want to jump into anything too intense.
nato: don't apologise, i asked for advice so should be able to take it
my "perception" of relationships isn't very good, i can't remember a time when my parents were happy, and then my mum started drinking and sleeping around when i was 13; they've got a very odd relationship now where they are still married but not living together and my mum uses my dad for money and mundane things like lifts and helping her fix her car or whatever, but sees other men. she was constantly suicidal about her last boyfreind not working out or whatever. it makes me feel really sick about love and relationships and stuff, and i massively overanalyse and doubt everything. my reaction to that i guess has always to be very cynical and put on this image of not wanting a relatonship, i always say i dont to blokes and my freinds, when in fact i really do but am scared of being hurt or even behaving like she did. so yeah, in that aspect of my life i've got very little sense of self, although thats not true of my life or myself in general.
i guess what i wanted someone to say was that if he has said he doesn't feel ready for a more intense relationship then i should just forget about it, because then i'd know i've done the right thing. as it is though, we talk all the time, so i'm still not sure. maybe its just not the right time, i know we really like each other, maybe we both just need to focus on work and things for now and then maybe later it'll work, or maybe it won't, who knows.
miss inquisitive and ceammi - i completely agree that you shouldn't let others dictate to you; i don't know why it got to me so much. maybe it is this thing about being 'happy' though thats the clincher, from the perspective of a couple of weeks i don't think i was very happy, or at least i didnt feel very secure or safe in the relationship, maybe just due to the circumstances, or maybe we just aren't very compatible right now. i think i did really think that it should be going somewhere, and didn't want to address it because it might mean losing him.
me at work: i am a big fan of the laid back relationship where you respect each others space; but i think you need emotional security to be able to do that. i think that wasn't what i sure about, whether the relatively slow pace was a sign that we were both happy and both of the same mind when it came to relationships, or whether it was because something wasn't quite right so we didn't want to jump into anything too intense.
nato: don't apologise, i asked for advice so should be able to take it
my "perception" of relationships isn't very good, i can't remember a time when my parents were happy, and then my mum started drinking and sleeping around when i was 13; they've got a very odd relationship now where they are still married but not living together and my mum uses my dad for money and mundane things like lifts and helping her fix her car or whatever, but sees other men. she was constantly suicidal about her last boyfreind not working out or whatever. it makes me feel really sick about love and relationships and stuff, and i massively overanalyse and doubt everything. my reaction to that i guess has always to be very cynical and put on this image of not wanting a relatonship, i always say i dont to blokes and my freinds, when in fact i really do but am scared of being hurt or even behaving like she did. so yeah, in that aspect of my life i've got very little sense of self, although thats not true of my life or myself in general.i guess what i wanted someone to say was that if he has said he doesn't feel ready for a more intense relationship then i should just forget about it, because then i'd know i've done the right thing. as it is though, we talk all the time, so i'm still not sure. maybe its just not the right time, i know we really like each other, maybe we both just need to focus on work and things for now and then maybe later it'll work, or maybe it won't, who knows.
Who's online?
Promotions
MORE FROM HANDBAG
Contact | Privacy | Terms & Conditions | Cookie Policy | Advertising | Site Map | Popular Forum Threads
Copyright © 2012. Hearst Magazines UK is the trading name of the National Magazine Company, registered in England 112955, and its affiliate company, Handbag.com, which is registered in England 03819979. The companies are registered at 72 Broadwick Street, London, W1F 9EP. All rights reserved.