Hi everyone, haven't posted here for a while but would really appreciate some advice.
My boyfriend and I have been together for around 2 years now and are both in our early twenties. We also live together. I'd say this problem has been ongoing for almost a year and i'm starting to get pretty frustrated. At the beginning of our relationship our sex life was fantastic, we were both fairly experimental and had sex at least once a day. I understand that this naturally decreases in most couples, but not to the extent it has done for us! We now only have sex around 3 times a month, which to me means practically non existent as I have a fairly high sex drive.
All other aspects of our relationship are great, we don't really argue a lot and are very affectionate towards each other in other ways. I've tried speaking to him about this problem a number of times but he never gives me a proper explanation and shrugs it off, simply saying he doesn't know why he's gone off sex. Whenever I try to initiate anything he just acts oblivious to the fact that i'm doing so, pulling me into a cuddle or just acting silly as if he's trying to put me off. Although he insists he still finds me very attractive, I still can't help but feel rubbish about myself when things like this happen.
Also I almost refuse to believe that his sex drive has completely hit rock bottom as i'm pretty sure he 'relieves himself' so to speak in other ways when i'm not around. Earlier this year I discovered he had been watching %&*$# on our computer behind my back. Now usually this wouldn't bother me as i'm quite open minded, but I do have a problem when he's choosing this over having sex with me. He did promise that it wouldn't happen again (a promise which he broke on a couple of occasions) but to my knowledge it isn't an issue anymore.
Apologies for the essay, i'm just getting really frustrated as it seems like whenever I bring up the issue with my boyfriend it just causes arguments and nothing changes. It has come to a point where I don't even bother addressing the issue with him anymore even though I need to.
Thanks.
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Boyfriend's Lack Of Sex Drive...
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Hi Tori
I have recently been experiencing a similar situation with my bf. We are in our early twenties, have been together for 3.5 years now and recently have been having a bit of a sex drought. We have talked about it - and he said its because he is very stressed at the moment about work - he's about to start a new job that he has been waiting for for over a year - its a massive life change and financial commitment. And he is not happy with his fitness levels at the moment - which I think is reducing his self esteem.
I can understand why he has a lack of a sex drive at the moment, so I don't take it to heart so much. I can completely understand how you are feeling - it is very easy to look at yourself and think is he not attracted to me anymore?
I think you need to get to the underlying reasons. Yes its true that your sex life tends to decrease after you have been together for a while, but if you are not happy with the physical side of your relationship, I think you really need to talk to him about this.
Taking the pressure off having sex might help him, as he might be aware that you are getting impatient - this may make him feel under pressure to perform.
But I am second guessing. You really need to communicate with each other, openly. I really hope you are able to get to the bottom of this, so you can begin to resolve these issues.
I have recently been experiencing a similar situation with my bf. We are in our early twenties, have been together for 3.5 years now and recently have been having a bit of a sex drought. We have talked about it - and he said its because he is very stressed at the moment about work - he's about to start a new job that he has been waiting for for over a year - its a massive life change and financial commitment. And he is not happy with his fitness levels at the moment - which I think is reducing his self esteem.
I can understand why he has a lack of a sex drive at the moment, so I don't take it to heart so much. I can completely understand how you are feeling - it is very easy to look at yourself and think is he not attracted to me anymore?
I think you need to get to the underlying reasons. Yes its true that your sex life tends to decrease after you have been together for a while, but if you are not happy with the physical side of your relationship, I think you really need to talk to him about this.
Taking the pressure off having sex might help him, as he might be aware that you are getting impatient - this may make him feel under pressure to perform.
But I am second guessing. You really need to communicate with each other, openly. I really hope you are able to get to the bottom of this, so you can begin to resolve these issues.
<font color="#333333"><strong>________________________________<br /></strong></font><strong><br /><br />hence, the potato thus looks like a penis.<br /><br />Posted by </strong><strong>satsumakitten <
Hi Strudel,
I think you're right in saying we need to get to the underlying reasons before anything can change, it's just really difficult when there are no obvious problems. I know stress is a common factor with this issue but I don't think this is a problem my boyfriend has at the moment - yes he does work hard but he also enjoys his job and doesn't get stressed easily. Plus he has the same job now as he did when we first met when our sex life was fantastic.
I guess one thing that has changed is the fact that we don't get the chance to spend as much time together as we once did due to our differing work schedules. In fact we rarely get to spend an entire day together, only a few evenings...and we live in the same house! But surely he should want to make the most of our time together and therefore want sex more ? Or perhaps we're just stuck in a routine? I'm so confused!
I completely agree with Strudel, obviously going from almost daily to 3 times a month is going to be noticeable, but I think its essential that you speak to him about it and let him know its actually bothering you this much. If he hasnt had any upheaval in his life then there wouldnt appear to be an explanation. He at least owes you this so that you can understand and deal with it.
I could understand if he had issues with something, as when I get stressed out my sex drive does go out the window, but I explain this to my partner and am happy to remain affection as possible to show I do still care. Basically, you need to talk to him and get to the bottom of the change.
I could understand if he had issues with something, as when I get stressed out my sex drive does go out the window, but I explain this to my partner and am happy to remain affection as possible to show I do still care. Basically, you need to talk to him and get to the bottom of the change.
Mmmm... this is a difficult one to know how to approach it. But by the sounds of it, you're quite mis matched in this area at the moment? If I've understood what you're saying correctly tori, he's admitting he's gone of sex to you, he is acknowledging that? He's just unable to explain why this maybe?
Do you think it's the actual act of sex itself, he's gone off? For e.g. how would he feel about you giving him a BJ ?
<div align="center"><font size="2"><strong><font color="#cc99ff">"The more you Need the less you'll Get!"</font></strong></font></div>
Good point by Sunnyjolls, also, do you think that perhaps making time to spend a day with each other (even if it means booking a day off etc) that this may help? By spending a day doing something you both enjoy so that you can forget work and get out together.... Alternatively, are you trying to create the mood when your trying to interest him in sex. Perhaps getting home early, cooking a nice meal as a surprise and then a really romantic evening, a bubble bath together where you just sit and chat with relaxing music, the list could go on....
Even if it doesnt result in sex, it may result in him opening up after seeing you make the effort to want to please him.
Even if it doesnt result in sex, it may result in him opening up after seeing you make the effort to want to please him.
Quoted:
Even if it doesnt result in sex, it may result in him opening up after seeing you make the effort to want to please him.
Posted by *loveme*
Posted by *loveme*
I think this is a good idea, encourage him to open up and relax, without feeling pressured.
<div align="center"><font size="2"><strong><font color="#cc99ff">"The more you Need the less you'll Get!"</font></strong></font></div>
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