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Telephone Sex Lines

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jharv1
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Subject: Telephone Sex Lines
I am a complete newbie here, but I need some non-judgemental advice please!
I am away at university and I saw my boyfriend's phone bill the other day - over �100. Initially I panicked he was cheating on me, but it turns out he has been calling 090 type numbers, for Babestation lines etc.
He claims that it was his version of %&*$# and instead of watching it, he just listened. He didn't ever speak to them, just told them he wanted them to do the talking.
I'm pretty upset about it to be honest. Do you think I have the right to be? Is it so much worse than watching it, which I'd be okay about, but this I'm really not? I'm just pretty confused right now; my close friends whom I have discussed this with are equally disgusted whereas his think I'm overreacting somewhat, because it's 'just masturbation'.
Help!

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igloo_previously_sky...
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Subject: Telephone Sex Lines
its up to you to decide about how you feel about it. everyone has different boundaries of what's acceptable in a relationship, if you think its just masturbation and your relationship is good and healthy then i would leave it at that.

is it the fact that someone physically real and responsive is involved? would you be happy with him watching %&*$# or reading %&*$# mags, or any %&*$# at all? it depends for me i wouldnt mind if my partner watched %&*$# adn had mags but not as a habit except I havent experienced that in any of my rellies.

i dont know how expensive these things calls are but if it is affecting your relationship tehn you should talk about it with him, adn he cant dismiss it as you overreacting but you should both then negotiate a compromise.
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apple-pies
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Subject: Telephone Sex Lines
I think you have a right to feel however you feel. So, now you've explained you're unhappy about it, is he going to carry on doing it? In my opinion what he does now, and whether he respects your feelings about it is pretty important. No amount of justifying or debating what's ok and what's not is going to change the fact that you're unhappy.

For the record, I wouldn't want a partner of mine doing that unless we'd talked about it and I was ok about it (which I wouldn't be). If we're going to insist on making comparisions, I'd say it's along similar lines to going to a lap dancing club.

If he's not prepared to take your concerns seriously then all I can say is: that in the past I've wasted far too much time trying to accept various bf's behaviour that felt bad and compromised my own values when I should have walked away.
xx
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Mr_Mannering
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Subject: Telephone Sex Lines
Ewwwww - that'd put me right off !!

Grubby litttle boy, fiddling with himself, phone in one hand, pounding away with the other. Gross - I would never be able to get that out of my head and I'd think less of any bloke that did it.
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Lilyuk2
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Subject: Telephone Sex Lines

I'd be very unimpressed. If he spends �100 he spends it on me, not some random on the end of a phone. Also it's just so offputting. So childish. Does he really have nothing better to do with his time than ring up a sex line and masturbate?
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totehoney
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Subject: Telephone Sex Lines
I think you have the right to be upset.

Why doesn't he call you for phone sex? As mentioned by lily...he should've spent that money on YOU!

Also...if he's doing that, imagine what else he "wants" to do...makes you think if you're his #1 anymore...my last bf was texting on a daily basis with his ex girl...he knew I didn't like it, that's why he never told me...as soon as I found out, he got defensive and "assured" me it was OK...he knew I didn't like it, but still continued after I found out!! Men...
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Dazzlinguk
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Subject: Telephone Sex Lines
I'm not sure I agree with the idea that he should be spending his money on you - it's his money after all! But there's clearly an issue here; what made you look at his phone bill in the first place?

I wouldn't be impressed with my husband if I found out he was doing this and I agree it's worse than watching %&*$# because it's personal sexual contact - have you made clear what you consider the difference to be?
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missinquisitive
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Subject: Telephone Sex Lines
I dont think the matter of where or how he chooses to spend his money should be the issue here. Its his money and shouldnt concern you. If he was getting into debt etc over it, again, thats his issue. However, when its something that can influence the relationship, thats a different subject. I dont mind my partner viewing %&*$#. He shows me some of what he looks at (I find it quite funny at times) and he doesnt make a secret of it. But, if he was actually paying to talk to somebody (regardless of him saying he doesnt talk back) then that would be an issue. It makes it more personal getting a 'real' person involved. As Dazzling says, you need to explain how it makes you feel and get to grips with why he feels the need to do it.
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jharv1
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Subject: Telephone Sex Lines
He says it's simply instead of watching %&*$#. I know that he used to flick through the Sky 'Adult' channels, which bothers me slightly simply because it's just a single girl on TV. I get %&*$# as such, because they're having sex etc. and I understand that but when it's the phone or just one girl, then I feel it's more like he is actually fantasising about them specifically, and it freaks me out.
I have spoken to him, and various guys that I trust, and they assure me that the TV channels and even the calls are simply a 'stimulant' rather than an actual 'muse', which reassured me somewhat that it's not anything personal. He had said that all along but when others said it, I believed it more. He promises he will stop, he didn't ever think it would hurt me how it has, and that he will do whatever it takes in order to stay with me, because I'm the most important and only thing that he wants. I'm going to take that I think and see how it goes, because I do truly love him, it's just difficult right now, but I'm accepting it wasn't me, and it's just masturbation as such.
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missinquisitive
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Subject: Telephone Sex Lines
If he thinks its something that wouldnt hurt you then he doesnt sound as though he really knew where the barriers were. You need to make this clear to him now so that he has no excuse in future. He will know when he has crossed the line.

Otherwise, im glad you've been able to talk to him about it, however try not to rely too much on excuses that other people provide. What matters is what he says and how he behaves. If your uncomfortable with something then say so, its the only way he will learn.
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