Controlled crying / dream feeding

I'm sure there have been previous posts on this but I can't find them, soz

Lauren is 6 1/2 months old and we've got into some bad habits with her sleep routine. She has got used to being fed / held to sleep and didn't go to bed till 11.30ish. She would sleep till about 6.30am have a feed and then go back to sleep till 8.30ish. During the day she would only sleep if she was pushed in the buggy or in the car. In general she is a very happy smiley baby and doesn't seem to be suffering from a lack of sleep.

However after a horrible 4 days visiting the relative where it was impossible to get her to sleep in the travel cot and she ended up sleeping in our bed, we realised something had to change.

So for the last 5 days we've been trying controlled crying. The HV, various friends and relatives seemed to think it was a good idea and we're desperate. Hearing her cry rips my heart out but I think it's important for her to learn how to soothe herself. She seems to last between 40minutes and an hour with us upping the time between visits by 5mins each time. The time doesn't seem to be getting any shorter but we have managed to get her bedtime forward to 8.30pm, which is positive. Although she woke at 1am one night and 4.30ish on the others.

Does anyone else have any experienced of controlled crying? Does it work? Is it cruel?

Also is it best to give her a dream feed about 11.30 or to just leave her sleeping and hope she goes through? The HV said just to leave her but she's never gone more than 7 1/2 hours without a feed. I'm breastfeeding btw.

Thanks in advance for any advice

xxx

I don't know how you've been getting on with the controlled crying but can I suggest another way - it will take longer but should be less traumatic for all.

First of all let your baby fall asleep with you resting your hand on her, keeping quiet but through touch you let her know you're there, after a couple of days sit next to her, and then slowly every day or so move further away until you don't need to be there.

Controlled crying is an appaling method that is out dated and unnescessary in my eyes. I took the attachment parenting route. So i carried her with me and slept with her and made sure she was close all the time and now shes very independant lady who doesnt need me any more

Babies cry because they need something not because they are manipulating you. Neave slept in our bed for months and went straight in her cot with no interim and no persuading needed. She does still need a body close to her at night for her to fall asleep and i put her in her cot asleep, but for the sake of 15 mins at night whats the point in changing something that works. If she were two or three thats the amount of time it would take to read a book to her.

During the day she just lays down in her play gym and snoozes. She's never needed any help sleeping in the day, sometimes i have to encourage her by laying her down but not often.
I think she needs you more than you are giving her.

Marina:)

Controlled crying does work and something I recommend.. but it is something that I would reccommend as a last resort as you really have to go through with it once you start or you end up confusing them.

Do you have a bedtime routine in place? something like bathtime at the same time every night and into PJs.. then supper if you give it.. story etc.. a consistant bedtime routine sends a clear signal that soon it's sleepy time.

I put a little lamp on next to the bed so there's a little bit of a glow in the room.. some people prefer not to do that. Then put them to bed awake when it's time.. leave the room for a couple of minutes and return and so on. Don't pick them up, don't speak unless it's soothing 'time for sleepys' etc.

It does work i've used it on two of my kids.. I will say to see it through now since you've started it. Good luck.

Thank you tineseltoes and therealdeal

We tried it again tonight with OH doing the soothing and she went down in 40 minutes rather than an hour so it seems to be getting better. I think it would have been nicer to try your way tinseltoes but we're committed now and I think it will just confuse her more.

Our bedtime routine is bath, massage, feed, storey and then bed with a musical lights thingy. I was rubbish at following it but have been allot better for the last week

Marina, I was a little surprised at how condemming your post was. I read your posts on sleeping problems before I posted mine as I thought they might have the answer. We were in exactly the same position. Lauren didn't go to bed till 11.30ish (because we loved spending time with her and she didn't seem tired) and was fed / held to sleep just like Neave. However after going to stay at relatives and 4 nights of not going to bed before 3am because everytime I put her in the travel cot she would flip, wake herself up and not be able to soothe herself I realised something had to change, for her sake and ours. Lauren is independent in the day, happy to go to anyone and very smiley but at night she needed me and that's not right because what if I can't be there. She needs to soothe herself and I feel it's important to start that quite young because there will never be a right time (she can't be 2,3 16 and still be relying on me). I probably already left it too late and have made it harder on all of us. We haven't done controlled crying on a whim or to be cruel, I just feel like we don't have many other options ( I wish babies came with a manual!!) it rips my heart out to hear her cry but ultimately I think it will be better for her. I would have thought you would have been a little more understanding since you haven't found a solution to your sleep problems yet either.

Btw, when mums say their baby sleeps though doe they mean the whole night eg. 7pm-7am or are they including a dream feed? I'm feeling confused and inadequate

I think a bedtime routine like a bath, massage, feed and story is great. Or if you don't do a story then a least have a conversation with the little one and i think music is lovely to get them to sleep. I think you can buy soothing music for baby's to help them get off to sleep. They need to be comfortable and relaxed and kept warm, so i think they need plenty of warm fleece/ wool blankets and i think it helps if they have something musical and colourful to look at in their cot to make things more interesting for them.

I don't have any experience of looking after a baby, but i think this is the way i'd do it.

Please don't let judgmental people make you feel this way - it's absolutely unfair.
I have never gone down the CC route myself so can't offer any advice, but post on another forum (TRD knows the one ) that is populated by the most loving Mums who want nothing more than the best for their little ones, and practically all of them endorse this method - as a last resort.
We started up a bed time routine at about 6-8 weeks. We'd start at 6.30 - bath, massage, b/feed and then into cot at 7 (this was when M was still sleeping in our room). Initially he would grizzle for a while in his cot, but one of us stayed with him, rocking him or hand on chest until he fell asleep. If he woke up, we'd go back in to soothe him back to sleep.
Before no time, all it took was popping him into his cot awake, and he was straight off to sleep.
It is so easy now. He is in his own room, and so used to all the bedtime 'signals'. By his feed, he is visibly sleepy and goes into his room babbling and cooing at 7. He's popped into his cot after a cuddle and lots of goodnight kisses, and that's it - we don't hear from him until 7-7.30AM. It's been like this for months now.
It is definitely worth establishing a bedtime routine (if it's what you want, and what you feel your baby needs) - and better late than never! It won't happen overnight (so many people just give up), but stick with it, and you'll have a baby who knows what's coming every night and feels safe and loved.
Good luck - you will get there!!
x

I have found a solution and its working.

She goes to bed at 9pm and is up at either 8am or 8.30. I didnt mean to condemn what you are doing or used to do i simple don't agree that leaving your daughter to cry is the right course of action and of course its ripping your heart out because every instinct in your body is telling you to respond to it and your fighting your feelings about it.

Stop it!!

All we do is same as before but we cuddle to her to sleep at 9.45 it takes her 15mins to drop off. We stop her sleeping after 5pm and she has her longest nap in the morning.

Marina:)

Nobody is leaving anybody to cry... controlled crying is not the same as cry it out and no baby ever died from crying.

When she realises that she's in bed to stay whether she likes it or not it will get easier and she will go to bed with no fuss.

zig

I'm not sure on what to do about the dream feed.. it's very common for them to be waking up during the night at this age for a feed. I can't see the harm in doing a dreamfeed if you think it might help.. I could never get the hang of it but definitely worth a shot.

Once you've started down the controlled crying route it's worth seeing through to the end.. a week of hell I remember but so worth it.

Oh i also meant to say that all the babies i know of this age sleep thorugh no waking and no dream feeding. Although we do switch her milk at night to the hungry baby formular.

Marina:)

All babys are different.. some wake right into toddlerdum and some sleep through quite quickly. Also formula is slow to digest which might make them go longer between feeds but it's not an exact science. Breastmilk is digested easily and quickly so can take a little while longer for them to go a long chunk of time between feeds and at 6 months they still have pretty small tummys..

Oh kingy, you poor thing. I hate the idea of controlled crying as it breaks my heart to hear Ilana cry but I do see how it can be necessary as a last resort and I feel so much for you.
I know my mum did it with me and all 6 of us and none of us remember it, have abandonment issues or anything like that.
There will always be mixed feelings like this but I truly believe that nothing you do out of love, with your child's best interests at heart, can ever be wrong.

PS Ilana is breastfed and she used to sleep anything from 7-12 hours a night, but recently 7 hours is good for her! I think both of us are in classic growth spurt ages, aren't we? (3-4 months and 6-7). I never used to have to dreamfeed as she slept through without it, but has been more wakeful latelyand she doesn't usually wake with it, and she feeds well in her sleep. Better than during the day actually - she loses concentration and wants to look at anything else, yanking her head off the boob painfully!
Good luck!

heh, it's like they forget to stop sucking when being nosy and make you into a stretch armstrong. painfull business this breastfeeding sometimes.

Seriously, my nipples are like neopolitan ice cream right now - pink nipples, brown areola, vanilla boob!
I digress, sorry kingy!