Hi Girls,
I have been with my current b/f for around 10 months now.
Basically, I got really hurt from my previous relationship as my ex proposed after nearly 7 years, promising me we would get married, then within a week decided he needed to experience 'other relationships' as I was his only g/f. Needless to say I was heart-broken & it was a horrible break up.
Anyway.. I just want to make sure that I don't get burnt yet again. I would like to know if/when you would approach the topic of how he sees our future. He's 36 and I am 31 - we live seperately. He hasn't mentioned about moving in together, which is fine at this stage, but I just would like him to at least talk about the future in some aspects which isn't happening. I would really appreciate some advice.
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How to approach the subject of 'The future'?
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I guess it's not so much when you address the future, but how...
If you go in all guns blazing, giving the impression you're only interested in getting a ring on your finger, and a bun in the oven, then it might freak him a bit... but gauging whether you want the same things, in the same sort of time frame is something that can be discussed fairly casually I think.
I've only been seeing a guy for about 2 months, but the discussion of whether or not we want marriage and kids etc cropped up very early on (and in fact, I'd be more nervous about bringing it up again, now that things have progressed, because now I'm aware that if I bring it up it may seem less casual, and more "I want this with you" kinda thing - so I understand how it can be difficult).
Have you had any discussions about marriage/kids and stuff at all? Do you know his stance on anything like that?
Has he had serious relationships in the past? How long for? and why did they split?
Maybe try and ask him when he was younger, what did he envisage having/doing by the time he was the age he is now?
And be quite honest if he turns it back to you (e.g. well, I always thought by the time I was 30 I would have got married) but keep it lighthearted, and state that you've learnt that living by a goal orientated timescale doesn't work...
I think you can have those discussions, and suss out how the other person feels and views those things, without it being too heavy. Just prepare yourself for hearing answers that you may not want to hear (e.g. if he said he doesn't like the idea of marriage) otherwise if you feel disappointed it may be obvious, and that will change the discussion somewhat...
Men are complicated. My current beau overthinks the whole labelling thing (bf/gf) and just keeps talking about things "progressing naturally" but it's all very vague. I don't think they know what they want half the time.
Hope you get some answers as to where he sees it going xx
If you go in all guns blazing, giving the impression you're only interested in getting a ring on your finger, and a bun in the oven, then it might freak him a bit... but gauging whether you want the same things, in the same sort of time frame is something that can be discussed fairly casually I think.
I've only been seeing a guy for about 2 months, but the discussion of whether or not we want marriage and kids etc cropped up very early on (and in fact, I'd be more nervous about bringing it up again, now that things have progressed, because now I'm aware that if I bring it up it may seem less casual, and more "I want this with you" kinda thing - so I understand how it can be difficult).
Have you had any discussions about marriage/kids and stuff at all? Do you know his stance on anything like that?
Has he had serious relationships in the past? How long for? and why did they split?
Maybe try and ask him when he was younger, what did he envisage having/doing by the time he was the age he is now?
And be quite honest if he turns it back to you (e.g. well, I always thought by the time I was 30 I would have got married) but keep it lighthearted, and state that you've learnt that living by a goal orientated timescale doesn't work...
I think you can have those discussions, and suss out how the other person feels and views those things, without it being too heavy. Just prepare yourself for hearing answers that you may not want to hear (e.g. if he said he doesn't like the idea of marriage) otherwise if you feel disappointed it may be obvious, and that will change the discussion somewhat...
Men are complicated. My current beau overthinks the whole labelling thing (bf/gf) and just keeps talking about things "progressing naturally" but it's all very vague. I don't think they know what they want half the time.
Hope you get some answers as to where he sees it going xx
I understand that you've been badly bitten by an ex boyfriend, and it's possibly made you feel more vulnerable in your current situation.
However, most of us get bitten at some point, and as scary as it may seem, you really have to learn to trust yourself and the person you're with.
I sort of disagree with incubizz when she says that men are complicated. Firstly, because it's a massive generalisation, and secondly, if you find talking about stuff that directy concerns the two of you, very difficult, and you analyse the situation to death, then of course things will seem complicated.
I don't understand why you can't talk about the things that matter to you, with the person you're ready to spend serious time with.
Are you afraid he'll reject you like your ex did, or do you find it tricky being open and discussing emotional topics with him?
It's important that you're comfortable speaking your mind, and sorting out issues that have the potential to change the course of your relationship. How else can you work together on getting the relationship that works for the two of you?
If it's your fear of being rejected that's holding you back, then please face that fear and give your bloke a chance to prove his metal.
If he's ambivalent and defensive and he leaves you feeling horrible for asking, then take it from there.
Hopefully, he'll be a grown up and he'll be honest with you, and even if you're not on the same page yet, you can leave the conversation feeling like you're more in control of what's happening in your relationship.
It sounds to me like you're scared of being hurt again. The best way to overcome that fear is to put yourself in the driving seat and talk, then least know where your relationship's heading.
Don't let fear hold you back sweety.
Face it or not, if you're going to be shat on, it'll happen sooner or later, but if you face your emotional demons, you'll have a better idea of where you stand.
Being honest and genuine and not holding back with sharing your hopes and dreams, is par for the course if you want an authentic loving relationship.
Nothing good ever came easy and all that. Good luck and let us know how you get on.
xx
However, most of us get bitten at some point, and as scary as it may seem, you really have to learn to trust yourself and the person you're with.
I sort of disagree with incubizz when she says that men are complicated. Firstly, because it's a massive generalisation, and secondly, if you find talking about stuff that directy concerns the two of you, very difficult, and you analyse the situation to death, then of course things will seem complicated.
I don't understand why you can't talk about the things that matter to you, with the person you're ready to spend serious time with.
Are you afraid he'll reject you like your ex did, or do you find it tricky being open and discussing emotional topics with him?
It's important that you're comfortable speaking your mind, and sorting out issues that have the potential to change the course of your relationship. How else can you work together on getting the relationship that works for the two of you?
If it's your fear of being rejected that's holding you back, then please face that fear and give your bloke a chance to prove his metal.
If he's ambivalent and defensive and he leaves you feeling horrible for asking, then take it from there.
Hopefully, he'll be a grown up and he'll be honest with you, and even if you're not on the same page yet, you can leave the conversation feeling like you're more in control of what's happening in your relationship.
It sounds to me like you're scared of being hurt again. The best way to overcome that fear is to put yourself in the driving seat and talk, then least know where your relationship's heading.
Don't let fear hold you back sweety.
Face it or not, if you're going to be shat on, it'll happen sooner or later, but if you face your emotional demons, you'll have a better idea of where you stand.
Being honest and genuine and not holding back with sharing your hopes and dreams, is par for the course if you want an authentic loving relationship.
Nothing good ever came easy and all that. Good luck and let us know how you get on.
xx
Thanks for your replies girls.
I do feel vunerable & I am scared of being rejected yet again. I never seem to have had any luck in love so far! In my last relie I was so badly hurt & I just really want to protect myself from ever feeling that bad again!
I guess in an ideal world, I just would like to know that he feels strongly for me and that he's thinking long-term.
I have decided not to put myself under any pressure and just enjoy being with him for now. He has said that marriage is something he wants, he's friends & family are all so lovely to me so I'll try not to panic.
I do feel vunerable & I am scared of being rejected yet again. I never seem to have had any luck in love so far! In my last relie I was so badly hurt & I just really want to protect myself from ever feeling that bad again!
I guess in an ideal world, I just would like to know that he feels strongly for me and that he's thinking long-term.
I have decided not to put myself under any pressure and just enjoy being with him for now. He has said that marriage is something he wants, he's friends & family are all so lovely to me so I'll try not to panic.
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