I would really appreciate some advice here. The situation is a little complicated, but I will try to explain it as briefly as I can.
I have some very good friends, considered them to be my best friends. They have a farm which I look after (on my own) from time to time, normally just a few days here and there. I am self employed and have my own work to do, but can normally manage to fit things in around them.
Every year they go away with another couple because two of them have birthdays very close together. I have been farm sitting for them around this time for quite a few years now.
This year is different. It is a 60th birhtday so the couples have booked a cottage for a week, they have three bedrooms so that other friends can visit too. I can't visit because I will be looking after their farm.
Another friend then stepped in and offered to help me out and split the farm duties 50:50 so that I could go to the holiday cottage. I made a suggestion which would allow me to do my own my work and go to the holiday cottage. My friends then decided that half the time was too much for them and cut the time down leaving me to do the majority.
I have had to rearrange my work to fit things in which means that any spare time I had for going to the holiday cottage will now be spent working. The other friends will be sharing a meal on the farm the night before my friends go away and will spend another night/day with them in the holiday cottage.
So, I am doing most of the work on the farm on my own, I am not getting to share in the birthday celebrations and on top of that it is also my birthday when I am on the farm - I will see no one at all on that day. My friends said it's a shame that I can't visit them in the holiday cottage but they don't seem that bothered, and certainly not that bothered about me being own on my birthday.
I know I should have been stronger and put my foot down, I did try to go for what I wanted and it didn't work. If I had pushed it would have caused friction between me and the other friends who had offered to help out - and that didn't seem right.
My friend on the farm gets annoyed with me because I put other people first too often and am always eager to help - that is just my way(her husband does the same and she gets annoyed with him too). Yet it seems she is only too prepared to take advantage of this side of my nature when it suits her.
Am I expecting too much from my friends? Am I justified in feeling hurt/ not considered? I thought they were really good friends, now I'm not so sure. I don't know whether to say anything. If I do decide to say something I'm not sure what I should say or the best way of saying it.
An outsider's view of this would be welcome.
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Do I expect too much?
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I think you instinctively know the answer to your question.
It sounds to me like you're feeling taken advantage of by your friends.
Particularly as it's your birthday too, and you won't get to party with them, while you take care of their home life.
If you're known as someone who's keen to please, then, although I think your friends have been very thoughtless, you also have to look at why that is. It's not your fault that your mates are inconsiderate, but if you want to be valued as a friend and respected as a person, then you really do need to stand up for yourself a bit more.
My sister is ofetn complaining that she gets taken advantage of. She's angry a lot of the time. But then, whenever one of her friends needs something, she is happy to be as flexible as she can to accomodate them.
When, what she really wants to do, is tell them that relationships are a two-way street, and she deserves some consideration and appreciation too.
We all need to maintain relationships. Maybe it's time to tell your friends how hurt you are?
It sounds to me like you're feeling taken advantage of by your friends.
Particularly as it's your birthday too, and you won't get to party with them, while you take care of their home life.
If you're known as someone who's keen to please, then, although I think your friends have been very thoughtless, you also have to look at why that is. It's not your fault that your mates are inconsiderate, but if you want to be valued as a friend and respected as a person, then you really do need to stand up for yourself a bit more.
My sister is ofetn complaining that she gets taken advantage of. She's angry a lot of the time. But then, whenever one of her friends needs something, she is happy to be as flexible as she can to accomodate them.
When, what she really wants to do, is tell them that relationships are a two-way street, and she deserves some consideration and appreciation too.
We all need to maintain relationships. Maybe it's time to tell your friends how hurt you are?
W - Yes, maybe I do need to say something. If they go off on one, then I guess they were never really true friends in the first place and I will have lost nothing, but might feel better in myself.
I did try to stand up for myself by saying what I was prepared to do, it wasn't accepted and I thought it was easier to just go along with what everyone else wanted. Quiet life and all that.
I do feel as though they are taking advantage and I know it is my own fault for letting them do that, I need to be stronger. I have learnt to stand up to people who cold call at the door because I know they don't matter. It is much harder to do it with friends. This particular friend is a little bossy and can be a bit hard/harsh at times, I suppose I am frightened of upsetting her.
I will try to say something, but maybe after the event as I wouldn't want to spoil their birthday celebrations - they don't get to go away very often. They need and deserve a nice break.
Thank you for your advice.
I did try to stand up for myself by saying what I was prepared to do, it wasn't accepted and I thought it was easier to just go along with what everyone else wanted. Quiet life and all that.
I do feel as though they are taking advantage and I know it is my own fault for letting them do that, I need to be stronger. I have learnt to stand up to people who cold call at the door because I know they don't matter. It is much harder to do it with friends. This particular friend is a little bossy and can be a bit hard/harsh at times, I suppose I am frightened of upsetting her.
I will try to say something, but maybe after the event as I wouldn't want to spoil their birthday celebrations - they don't get to go away very often. They need and deserve a nice break.
Thank you for your advice.
Hi, as above you are being taken advantage of but probably not in a malicious way. You definitely should say something giving plenty of notice for next year. If you are helpful and constructive in your approach they can hardly be offended, otherwise they are not worth the friendship. Can you organise a special birthday treat for yourself shortly afterwards? I
Oops sorry, already posted
Standing up for yourself is about being assertive, not shouting and getting mardy by the way. You could do a 'hey everyone, it's my birthday too, would be nice to be involved' kinda way.
You're not being considered by your friends. And if you want to be, you have to wave your arms about a bit and ask for some consideration.
You can't lie down in the dark and then get hurt when no one sees you. Make a bit of a noise and ask for some respect.
You're not being considered by your friends. And if you want to be, you have to wave your arms about a bit and ask for some consideration.
You can't lie down in the dark and then get hurt when no one sees you. Make a bit of a noise and ask for some respect.
I know I need to be assertive rather than agressive and today I have been thinking about how to do that. Maybe it's too late this time and I will just have to let this one go. Try and do better in the future, but I may still let them know that I felt a little hurt.
Janeyh2 - good idea about the late birthday treat for me, I might just do that. Take a day off work and pamper myself, eat cake - that sort of thing.
Janeyh2 - good idea about the late birthday treat for me, I might just do that. Take a day off work and pamper myself, eat cake - that sort of thing.
Please don't sell yourself short sweety. It's never too late to ask for some consideration.
I guarantee, your friends will have more respect for you if you have more for your own worth.
I used to be just like you, and it was exhausting.
I eventually woke up when I realised that I was hurting myself more than anything.
We all need to really like ourselves and you sound like the sort of friend I'd appreciate because of your thoughtful and generous nature. Treat yourself as well as you treat others, but don't be good to others at your own expense.
It's simply not worth it, and it won't work out in your favour.
I take it your mates are grown up? In that case, they can handle you telling them that you're hurt.
Big hugs to you. And be proud of yourself for being such a lovely person. xx
I guarantee, your friends will have more respect for you if you have more for your own worth.
I used to be just like you, and it was exhausting.
I eventually woke up when I realised that I was hurting myself more than anything.
We all need to really like ourselves and you sound like the sort of friend I'd appreciate because of your thoughtful and generous nature. Treat yourself as well as you treat others, but don't be good to others at your own expense.
It's simply not worth it, and it won't work out in your favour.
I take it your mates are grown up? In that case, they can handle you telling them that you're hurt.
Big hugs to you. And be proud of yourself for being such a lovely person. xx
Wauwau - I haven't been online much over the last couple of days so have only just read your last posting. Just wanted to say thank you for your advice and kind words - you seem to help people a lot on here by offering lots of very sensible comments. Perhaps you should set up your own 'Baggage Reclaim' type of website, I think you would be good at that!
I have since seen my friend and she says she feels awful about my birthday, said she would take me and her husband out for a birthday meal when they get back from holiday.
She seems to be blaming the other friend for not helping out on the farm on my birthday (in order to free me up that day), the other friend thinks she is taking advantage a bit. I am sort of stuck in the middle.
My birthday will always be a problem because my best friend's husband's birthday is the same day as mine.
I will try to be better to myself
I have since seen my friend and she says she feels awful about my birthday, said she would take me and her husband out for a birthday meal when they get back from holiday.
She seems to be blaming the other friend for not helping out on the farm on my birthday (in order to free me up that day), the other friend thinks she is taking advantage a bit. I am sort of stuck in the middle.
My birthday will always be a problem because my best friend's husband's birthday is the same day as mine.
I will try to be better to myself
Can you have a little party at home, or on the weekend in a bar, and invite everyone to come join you for a belated birthday gathering?
That would be a nice way to celebrate and to get everyone together, for you?
xx
And thanks for your lovely message. It's much appreciated. I've been around a fair amount of time now, so at the grand age of 42, I've been enough awkward situations and had enough disappointments, so if I'm any help to anyone, then it makes me very happy! x
That would be a nice way to celebrate and to get everyone together, for you?
xx
And thanks for your lovely message. It's much appreciated. I've been around a fair amount of time now, so at the grand age of 42, I've been enough awkward situations and had enough disappointments, so if I'm any help to anyone, then it makes me very happy! x
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