Maybe I will show him your replies.....?
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I am not guilty!
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I have had trust issues with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years. I have stuck around for so long because I love him dearly. Over the last 3 years he has lied to me. A couple of blatant whoppers and a shedload of white lies. All said to protect my feelings. I have told him all along that I prefer the truth however much it hurts because I can deal with that.He is always sorry but doesn't change.As a result I have tried too hard to get the reassurance I need. He won't give it because he says he doesn't know how to and anyway,its unnecessary because he says I have nothing to worry about. I told him I would believe in him but that the doubts will still creep in, but he has now accused me of being obsessive and "too hard work" sometimes. He has given me the ultimatum that I have to get over my insecurities otherwise we may as well give up. So - I have given up and he is laying the guilt on me for finding an escape route and letting him down slowly. I know what I should do but am looking for support.
Maybe I will show him your replies.....?
Maybe I will show him your replies.....?
Do you think he had your best interests at heart when he was telling you the lies that 'protected your feelings'?
Yes, I do believe he did. Because I don't see him very often, the distance makes matters worse. He still admits to white lies and "omitting things" - again to protect me....but if he's got nothing to hide??? See my dilemma?
White lies to protect are fine, people do it all the time. Does my bum look big in this? That sort of thing.
Lying by omission is a different matter, it depends what it is that they are not telling you. It is deception if they are omitting to tell you something that will affect your decision about whether to be in the relationship or not. I was with a guy for 10 months and was almost at the stage of moving in with him. When I met him he was separated from his second wife and the divorce came through whilst I was with him. He then told me (after I had known him for 10 months) that he had actually been married three times, he somehow forgot to tell me about wife number one! This was also a distance relationship and after this confession I looked back and I could see there had been other lies too. That was enough for me. Where there is one lie, there's often a pile of lies and you begin to wonder what else it is that they are not telling you. And how can you trust them, really?
He says you are insecure, hardwork and obsessive, but are you? Asking questions doesn't make you needy, pushy etc. It makes you an honest person looking for an honest relationship. If he has nothing to hide he should answer your questions with ease without getting angry or defensive or trying to turn things back onto you.
I have learnt from my lesson, at the first sign of lying or deceit I am off. It's just not worth it. Hope this helps
Lying by omission is a different matter, it depends what it is that they are not telling you. It is deception if they are omitting to tell you something that will affect your decision about whether to be in the relationship or not. I was with a guy for 10 months and was almost at the stage of moving in with him. When I met him he was separated from his second wife and the divorce came through whilst I was with him. He then told me (after I had known him for 10 months) that he had actually been married three times, he somehow forgot to tell me about wife number one! This was also a distance relationship and after this confession I looked back and I could see there had been other lies too. That was enough for me. Where there is one lie, there's often a pile of lies and you begin to wonder what else it is that they are not telling you. And how can you trust them, really?
He says you are insecure, hardwork and obsessive, but are you? Asking questions doesn't make you needy, pushy etc. It makes you an honest person looking for an honest relationship. If he has nothing to hide he should answer your questions with ease without getting angry or defensive or trying to turn things back onto you.
I have learnt from my lesson, at the first sign of lying or deceit I am off. It's just not worth it. Hope this helps
I don't know you enough to comment on whether you are insecure as a general rule. However, being insecure is not a crime. If he wishes you were less so, then maybe he should cut out the lying and deceit.
Telling big fat lies and leaving out details isn't protecting your feelings, it's deciding for you what you can and can't deal with. You're not a child, he isn't your guardian, so maybe tell him that you get to decide what you can and can't handle.
Lying is dishonesty. Deceit and dishonesty create an insecure environment because you can't properly assess what you're dealing with. You don't know what to believe so you can't know whether he's worth the effort.
We're all insecure sometimes. And we all tell white lies sometimes, too. But if there's a pattern of deceit and dishonesty, then there's no room for an honest relationship. I say bail out and create space for an honest man, not a controlling liar.
I think you can do better that him.
xx
Telling big fat lies and leaving out details isn't protecting your feelings, it's deciding for you what you can and can't deal with. You're not a child, he isn't your guardian, so maybe tell him that you get to decide what you can and can't handle.
Lying is dishonesty. Deceit and dishonesty create an insecure environment because you can't properly assess what you're dealing with. You don't know what to believe so you can't know whether he's worth the effort.
We're all insecure sometimes. And we all tell white lies sometimes, too. But if there's a pattern of deceit and dishonesty, then there's no room for an honest relationship. I say bail out and create space for an honest man, not a controlling liar.
I think you can do better that him.
xx
Thanks Echome, it does help. The omissions I have so far encountered are not show-stopping in their own right but sufficient to cause me concern. I am more worried about what else he has not told me or lied about. He lies very easily - he admits that. Its as much to do with making an easy life for himself as well as protecting me.
I also don't believe I am being obsessive or hard work, I feel I am justified to think the way I do. So that makes me feel better in myself - thank you.
I also don't believe I am being obsessive or hard work, I feel I am justified to think the way I do. So that makes me feel better in myself - thank you.
Wawausister,
I guess you nailed it when you said that I should decide what I am capable of handling. I totally agree. I am not and have never been an insecure person generally. I have had relationships that didn't work out but have never sought reassurance because I am a very caring, sensitive, but confident person.
However, with this guy I have these insecurities and it all started with a massive lie. A concoted story which was designed to save my feelings. I found out but he continued to deny it until I produced the evidence. He has caused me to feel insecure and I feel justified in this. Your comments have made me feel better because its ok to be insecure, its not a crime. Thank you
I guess you nailed it when you said that I should decide what I am capable of handling. I totally agree. I am not and have never been an insecure person generally. I have had relationships that didn't work out but have never sought reassurance because I am a very caring, sensitive, but confident person.
However, with this guy I have these insecurities and it all started with a massive lie. A concoted story which was designed to save my feelings. I found out but he continued to deny it until I produced the evidence. He has caused me to feel insecure and I feel justified in this. Your comments have made me feel better because its ok to be insecure, its not a crime. Thank you
Wawausister is right, you can do better x
One thing I can never understand, he always says he never means to hurt me and I'm sure he doesn't intend to, but he just can't see how his actions have affected me. He says I have nothing to worry about - 80% of me believes him (wants to believe?) 20% will always have doubts because of little white lies which might not be so terrible in their own right but that cast doubt on everything else he has said. I used to think I was over-reacting. Now i'm not so sure.
In your first post, you said: '...he says I have nothing to worry about' but what about the fact that he has lied to you for 3 years?
By giving you an ultimatum and making you feel like you're hard work etc, he's trying to manipulate you so that you stop focusing on the original issue and start thinking that you're the one with the problem. By pushing you to end the relationship, it means he gets away without looking like the bad guy - when he's totally the one at fault.
And as long as you stay together, he hasn't got any reason to change either - the fact that you stay with him despite the fact that you know about his lies demonstrates that you're willing to put up with his shoddy behaviour so he'll just keep pushing his luck because he knows he can get away with it.
I agree with wauwausister - you can do better.
FJP x
By giving you an ultimatum and making you feel like you're hard work etc, he's trying to manipulate you so that you stop focusing on the original issue and start thinking that you're the one with the problem. By pushing you to end the relationship, it means he gets away without looking like the bad guy - when he's totally the one at fault.
And as long as you stay together, he hasn't got any reason to change either - the fact that you stay with him despite the fact that you know about his lies demonstrates that you're willing to put up with his shoddy behaviour so he'll just keep pushing his luck because he knows he can get away with it.
I agree with wauwausister - you can do better.
FJP x
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