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Can't help myself - don't know if I'm depressed

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Subject: Can't help myself - don't know if I'm depressed

This is a long story so please bear with me:

For almost 6 years now, myself and my ex have been involved. We went out for almost 3 of those 6 years. We split up a year past in March because he didn't want to be with me but didn't know why. Basically he's a depressed alcoholic who doesn't want help.

Since then, we have been sleeping with each other on and off. He has seen 3 different girls and despite me living in New York for 4 months, we were in touch daily. I came back in November with promises of us trying again and we got back into the old routine only for him to end it just after New Year. Since then, we have sleep with each other a few times, the most recent 2 weeks ago.

He is currently seeing a girl who is a hell of a lot fatter than me and despite him saying it isn't serious I can't help but feel it is.

Since our last encounter, I have been having digs at him about her and making comments. I literally can't help myself and call him up to have a go and end up apologising and feeling like I'm the bad guy when it's him who picks me up whenever he wants. I don't want him out of my life because he's my best friend and we have all the same friends.

I need to sort myself out but I don't want to go to the docs because I feel that half of my friends are on anti-depressants for the sake of it. I keep considering coming off the pill but that would be silly in the long run just in case.

I hadn't cried in ages and I'm finding myself crying almost everyday. I feel like I'm in a vicious circle of having a fight, feeling angry, then apologising as if I was in the wrong but feeling no better at the end of it.

Does anyone have any advice? I'm at a loss and fed up feeling this way.

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