Can anyone help or does anyone have any advice? Urgently needed.
My son 24 is refusing to leave my home after an outburst of what I can only call threatening behaviour towards me. It has happened before and for many years. I believe that he has been suffering from some kind of behavioural problem since childhood and I'v been through school suspensions, exclusions, public arrests, court cases for the last 15 years.
After fighting a tribuna for 3 years for DLA, I have managed to get him lower rate of DLA which is a complete injustice really. Although he gladly receives this money he lives in complete denial that anything is wrong and blames me for everything. I've been to the GP, hospital docs, family, counsellors, you name it, but there doesn't seem to be anyone who can help me help him and the only way forwrad apparently is to get the police involved which would be incredibly messy and not treat the cause for my son. Any ideas?
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Behavioural Problems in Adults
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Hello SAugustin1,
I am sorry that you are having problems with your son, and that things have gone as far as they have to the extent that you feel threatened.
You are probably well aware that what you are able to do is limited now because of the fact that your son is an adult, so what I would like to do (instead of giving you the standard answer which will boil down ultimately to what I've already said) is to give you another perspective to think about, one which may give you some inspiration (although I can't promise anything).
The woman I am about to tell you about ( my mother) is in no way like you, (I have come to recognise her narcisistic tendancies over time) but if your son really has mental health issues that he is unwilling to accept then perhaps what I am experiencing with my mum might give you an insight into how he might be feeling (i.e: hurt, confused threatened and scared of the notion that he might be different etc).
I am 23, and my mother has told me since I was a teenager that I have behaviour problems. Every single other adult in my life has gone "wha'?" at even the suggestion, but that's what my mother says - and no matter how many doctors I go to who dismiss the notion, there is always that niggle at the back of my mind - because my mum said it, and my mum is meant to be the one who knows and loves me best - right? (I should add that I chased a diagnosis on the basis of my mother's claims but failed to get one). To my mother I was the girl who wouldn't get her A levels, and then, when I got into my first choice of uni would get chucked out for stealing asap (I now have a masters degree - but that goesn't matter 'casuse it hasn't got me the job yet).
This little story will help you I hope because my relationship with my mother was at its worst when ther "aspergers" claims were at the forefront of her thoughts and what she said. Her accusations that I was somehow socially wrong made me hurt and angry and occasionally, I will admit, made me lose my temper with her. If your son is in denial then perhaps what you say makes him hurt and angry too.
I hope you find a solution to your problems with your son, but in the immediate future, in an effort to control his temper and avoid his threatening behaviour is there anything good in his life that you could engage with him about, or a positive activity that you or he could do together - a shared interest perhaps? By all means carry on looking for a solution - and I think the best one might be that he moves out in the long term. But please, remember that your son will have more to him than just his difficult behaviour - find the positives and nurture them.
I hope you find this helpful, at least as something to reflect on.
Best of luck,
Nichola
P.S. the DLA for mental health issues never came up with my mum because I have a form of cerebal palsy and so I get it for that anyway.
I am sorry that you are having problems with your son, and that things have gone as far as they have to the extent that you feel threatened.
You are probably well aware that what you are able to do is limited now because of the fact that your son is an adult, so what I would like to do (instead of giving you the standard answer which will boil down ultimately to what I've already said) is to give you another perspective to think about, one which may give you some inspiration (although I can't promise anything).
The woman I am about to tell you about ( my mother) is in no way like you, (I have come to recognise her narcisistic tendancies over time) but if your son really has mental health issues that he is unwilling to accept then perhaps what I am experiencing with my mum might give you an insight into how he might be feeling (i.e: hurt, confused threatened and scared of the notion that he might be different etc).
I am 23, and my mother has told me since I was a teenager that I have behaviour problems. Every single other adult in my life has gone "wha'?" at even the suggestion, but that's what my mother says - and no matter how many doctors I go to who dismiss the notion, there is always that niggle at the back of my mind - because my mum said it, and my mum is meant to be the one who knows and loves me best - right? (I should add that I chased a diagnosis on the basis of my mother's claims but failed to get one). To my mother I was the girl who wouldn't get her A levels, and then, when I got into my first choice of uni would get chucked out for stealing asap (I now have a masters degree - but that goesn't matter 'casuse it hasn't got me the job yet).
This little story will help you I hope because my relationship with my mother was at its worst when ther "aspergers" claims were at the forefront of her thoughts and what she said. Her accusations that I was somehow socially wrong made me hurt and angry and occasionally, I will admit, made me lose my temper with her. If your son is in denial then perhaps what you say makes him hurt and angry too.
I hope you find a solution to your problems with your son, but in the immediate future, in an effort to control his temper and avoid his threatening behaviour is there anything good in his life that you could engage with him about, or a positive activity that you or he could do together - a shared interest perhaps? By all means carry on looking for a solution - and I think the best one might be that he moves out in the long term. But please, remember that your son will have more to him than just his difficult behaviour - find the positives and nurture them.
I hope you find this helpful, at least as something to reflect on.
Best of luck,
Nichola
P.S. the DLA for mental health issues never came up with my mum because I have a form of cerebal palsy and so I get it for that anyway.
We have to trace the root cause of all of these. He may just want a friend, a confidante, a companion, a motivator or maybe an inspiration to make his life more meaningful. Since you mentioned that you have seek professional help, then maybe our last recourse is to be a loving, humbled parent to him, loving him unconditionally, be it painful or a struggle. So easy to say, but difficult to do. Good luck. Love heals all wounds, erases scars and brings hope.
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