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Slipping back

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Lizzie22uk
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Subject: Slipping back
Hello all, I feel a bit weird being on here, its been nearly two years...but I just read over my posts from back then, and realised how kind everyone was to me so wanted to see if anyone had any words of wisdom.

In 2009 I went through a deep depression, I was self harming and suicidal, and I cry when I think about it as it was so hard. At the end of the year I started to get better, and 2010 was pretty uneventful with a few relapses lasting a couple of days.

However....since this year started I can feel myself slipping back, that feeling is creeping back in and I'm terrified Im going to get really poorly again. I was so ill and have been so happy that I'm better, I feel totally ashamed to end up depressed again. I always said "I'll do anything, anything to my core within my power to never feel that way again' and I have had such power over it, until now.

My boyfreind says I need to get back to the doctors as soon as its humanly possible to stop things excalating, and deal with the problem while I'm still functioning (touch wood)so as not to end up like I did last year.

My question is, is that a step backwards in recovery from depression? It always seemed like it was out of my life and I was 'well' again. If I'm on medication/in couselling then I'm still labelled as depressed, and somehow this makes me feel like I;m back at the beginning, which also feels like I'll never be truly free.

Has anyone ever felt truly recovered, and gone back to depression? Or truly recovered and not been depressed since?

I dont know if this makes any sense

Many Thanks
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Lizzie22uk
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Subject: Re: Slipping back
Sorry, when I said end up like I was last year, I meant end up like I was in 2009
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Nina_in_the_bathroom
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Subject: Re: Slipping back
Hi Lizzie!

I couldn't read your post and not reply - seeing as I've been in a very similar situation to you.

Firstly, and probably most importantly, you should never, ever, ever feel ashamed of yourself for being depressed. You should feel proud of yourself for getting over it and for living a happy and normal life.

As for recurrances, yes (unfortunately) I think they do happen! I was diagnosed as being manic depressive when I was in my early twenties but I'd been suffering from episodes of depression and self-harming since I was 16. With me it was never a constant thing and it fluctuated quite a bit, but it got really bad around the time I was diagnosed. I went though two years of hell on medication, attempted suicide, dropped out of uni, etc. but funnily enough it was when I came off of the medication that I really started to feel better. Since then I've been pretty good, but I have had 'relapses' and stuff but luckily so far they've only been short-lived and I've worked through them without having to see a doctor.

So I think what I am saying is that just because you're feeling this way now, doesn't mean things will go back to being as bad as they were... although that is just what has happened to me and everyone is different!

However, I think if you are feeling lower than normal at the minute then you need to take it seriously. Personally if I were you I'd speak to your doctor, you don't necessarily have to go straight back on the medication but making the right people aware that you're stuggling means that the appropriate action can be taken. Have you ever seen a counsellor or anything like that?

I don't think you should define yourself by your depression and beating yourself up for feeling the way you feel isn't going to do you any good. You've got to focus on what is best for you... but whatever that might be you really don't have any reason, as I said, to feel ashamed.

Also (although it sounds like you're already doing this) talk! Talk to your boyfriend and anyone else who is there for you - don't bottle up your feelings as it will only make it worse for you.

Keep us posted!

Nina x x x
YOU IS NORTY

[http://i1101.photobucket.com/albums/g422/Lady_Love-Purse/unicorninjury.jpg]
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Lizzie22uk
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Subject: Re: Slipping back
Thank you for your reply!

I've been umming and ahhing and its so good to get another perspective.

My story is similar to yours, and oddly for me it was after medication, I started feeling better out of nowhere, just one day I woke up, and it was like the black cloud had been lifted, and for a whole year (minus about 9 or 10 days)I was not depressed, didnt even think about it.

Then this whole month, I've been like, slipping. Like I'm hanging off a cliff and I could go either way, very frightening, knowing I could go down as well as up, as has been the story for too many years.

I've never had counselling, but want it. I think I'm going to go to the doctors. I need to nip this in the bud as *touch wood* self harming and suicidal thoughts have not returned and I am still functioning, something I cant do in one of my full blown times, so I'd rather deal with the seeds of doubt than wait and see. I feel so much better when I look at what you said about feeling proud for getting over it not ashamed for having it. I think its like if I had a broken arm I'd fix it, this is no different.

Sorry I went on with myself there! Just so grateful for your repsonse, and your story. Thank you so much

Liz xx
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essentialoils
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Subject: Re: Slipping back
Bringing people into the process of healing your depression can start with something as simple as asking a friend to join you for a weekly walk in the park. Not only will the exercise elevate your mood, but creating shared rituals will strengthen your relationship. Make this get-together an opportunity to let them know your needs of them—and ask them what they need from you.
Essential Oils
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Lizzie22uk
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Subject: Re: Slipping back
Thanks essentialoils.

I see what your saying, I used to exercise 3 times a week, and I felt really good afterwards, I mean like I'd been drinking, it was really good feeling. I'll efinitly get on to that.

I dont have many friends, and the ones I have I have to text about a dozen times to get a reply! But I have a close friend I see quite a bit and I might try and explain it to her, she might understand me better. And we cah help each other.

Today is a bad day as I didnt get a job I went for and really needed/wanted

But on the up side, the boss phoned me and said if I'm willing to do a bit of training with her supervised (am a teacher) she'd be happy to hire me.

Just wanted to share that with someone as I havent spooken to any friends lately

Thanks so much for your replies

x
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vannessangelia
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Subject: Re: Slipping back
Bringing people into the process of healing your depression can start with something as simple as asking a friend to join you for a weekly walk in the park. Not only will the exercise elevate your mood
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Nina_in_the_bathroom
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Subject: Re: Slipping back
How's it going Lizzie? x x x
YOU IS NORTY

[http://i1101.photobucket.com/albums/g422/Lady_Love-Purse/unicorninjury.jpg]
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Lizzie22uk
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Subject: Re: Slipping back
Hi again how are you?
Thanks for asking, its really nice of you

Well, I'm ok, I feel alot better after getting it all out on here. I've got an appointment with my doctor first thing next week, and have spoken to my boyfriend and best friend who are both being really supportive. I have OCD and have never got proper treatment for it, my bloke thinks they might be connected (my OCD and depression - I'm quite the medical textbook!)and I should talk about that too.

I'm determined to get my life back on track properly this time and put all my energy into getting better. I'm nervous and a bit down cant wait to get there, and get things moving. I'm hoping that I can learn how to cope with life again, and not focus on trying to make everything perfect.

Thanks again
Liz
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taffy_lass
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Subject: Re: Slipping back
Dear Lizzie22uk

I understand the situation that you are in completely. I suffered from severe depression after the birth of my second child. I was too scared to go to the doctors to be labeled as having depression. But I finally bit the bullet and went, I was then put on medication but it didnt really help, and what made matters worse was my partner at the time didnt really understand what I was going through so it made the situation worse, and I didnt have family or friends around to support me.

When I spilt with my partner at that time I became even more depressed but I was determined to get "better" and with the help of fantastic friends I was able to, even though they didnt understand my situation they werent prejudice they just accepted me. I do still have my days that I feel down and all I want to do is cry, but Im determined to not slip back to where I was as it was the scariest part of my life.

And Im sure that with the help of your boyfriend and the doctor that you'll be fine.

Chin up and I hope all goes well for you
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