Handbag's got The X Factor
It’s the fourth week of X Factor auditions and this week the judges hit Gary Barlow’s home town of Manchester. Take That performed in the city the day before the auditions, so we’re treated to lots of clips of Gary in full boy band regalia on stage. You know, to remind us that he’s still got a day job. Unfortunately he’s wearing a pretty unflattering padded jacket that even makes the new and improved slimmed-down Gary look pretty chunky, so mainly we’re just reminded that he was the fat one in Take That for most of the Nineties.
Anyway, Gary’s really excited to be there, Kelly thinks it’s a beautiful city, and Louis thinks there’s a lot of pressure on Gary to find some good acts in Manchester. Because Louis is contractually obliged to say something snarky about the other judges once an hour.
First up we have a pair of young men called Kendall and Alejandro and together they are …Kendro. Sporting more lipgloss that Tulisa, we’re treated to a shot of the pair checking out their ‘saggy arses’ in the mirror before they head out to meet the judges. A camper, more flamboyant version of Jedward they pair announce they’re going to sing Lady GaGa’s Born This Way Kelly looks delighted by this development because she’s never actually met Jedward. Gary looks nauseous.
The end result is a tuneless if energetic rendition of the GaGa song. Tulisa tells the boys that they have ‘star quality’ despite their ‘dreadful’ vocals. Louis loves them (of course you do, Louis), but is swiftly cut down by Gary who tells them they have no talent.
Despite this, Tulisa and Louis give the boys a yes, Gary gives them a swift no, and it’s left to Kelly to dither over the boy’s fate while they beg for a chance. Eventually Saint Kelly of Rowland lets them through for no reason whatsoever – that’s this year’s novelty act sorted then. You can see the pound signs in Louis’s eyes already.
Next up, there’s some kerazy tomfoolery as Tulisa and Louis caper about in a golf cart, and then we’re onto our second act, 50-year-old Christine Rodgerson, who treats us to a terrifying rendition of It’s Raining Men. With four nos Christine is less than impressed with the judges decision. We’re just relieved she wasn’t pegged as the new Mary Byrnes.
Andy Brooks, an unlikely-looking beauty student, is on. He sings a dreadful version of Beyonce’s Irreplaceable and is quickly given four nos. Next!
Samantha Brooks, a 31-year-old barmaid is up now. After a series of terrible acts will she be the one to impress Gary? She wants to sing ‘because she’s too thick to do anything else,’ which doesn’t bode well. Once on stage she also admits to a raging crush on Louis and does her ‘funny arm gag’ before Gary hurries her along. Focus Samantha!
Then to everyone's surprise (except ours because the backing music is telling us that something very exciting is about to happen), she does a cracking rendition of Whitney’s One Moment in Time which has the crowd on their feet and earns her a yes from each of the judges. This year’s Stacey Solomon?
Now it’s time for the girl bands and after a slow start we finally meet Geordie girls Twisted. Band member Chrissie Pitt made it through to the bootcamp round last year before she was given the chop, so she’s determined to make it further this year.
The girls perform an A Capella version of Adele’s Someone Like You with Chrissie taking the lead. However, the judges are unimpressed – they feel like Chrissie should be singing on her own and that the rest are just mediocre backing singers.
Tulisa gives the girls a yes, but the other three all say no. Even Louis and he’ll let anyone through! However, Kelly then decides head backstage and cajole Chrissie into coming back and auditioning on her own. Which means it’s time for a Kelly Rowland pep talk!
Kelly basically shouts at Chrissie until she eventually agrees to auditions on her own, it’s terrifying stuff. Chrissie then comes out and performs Cee Lo Green’s Forget You (a slightly unfortunate song choice as her former band mates are watching murderously from backstage).
All four judges predictably give her a yes, Gary tells her that if her band mates are real friends they support her. Cut to a clip of the girls backstage giving her death stares, followed by an arty shot of the three of them walking off together, leaving Chrissie behind looking like someone just stole her kitten. Poor Chrissie! Although on another note – this year’s Alexandra Burke? I can totally see her sobbing all over Beyonce in the final.
To finish up we meet Lascele Wood, a 20 Years old from Brighton who spent his childhood in Foster care because his mother has Bipolar disorder.
It’s heart-warming story of the week time – his mum’s with him at the audition and has never seen him perform. He gives us a lovely rendition of Use Somebody. Clearly feeling that there haven’t been enough tales of Talent Against The Odds in this week’s show, Tulisa makes him drag his poor mother out on stage.
It’s all very moving, we even get a bit emotional, Kelly Rowland gets the sniffles and employs the Cheryl Cole tear wipe ™ and Louis tells Lascelle he has soul, but fortunately doesn’t compare him to a young Luther Vandross. Even Gary ‘The Axeman’ Barlow is full of praise. With four yeses, Lascelle is through.
Everyone clearly feels like it’s time to end the day on a high at that point, and the judges leave Manchester with more than their fair share of oddballs and novelty acts to boot out at the next round of auditions. No wonder Gary looks so depressed. Meanwhile, we want to know if we can call Kelly Rowland up next time we’re feeling a bit depressed about life want someone to give us a pep talk. Do you think she’d agree to be our new big sister if we asked nicely?
What did you think of this week’s auditions? Were the judges wrong to break Twisted up? Are Kendro going to get through to the live shows? Louis Walsh: insane lunatic or evil genius? Let us know below, or on our Facebook page or via Twitter @handbagcom
Check out past X Factor contestants in The X Factor: Where Are They Now?
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