We've perfected complaining, are not afraid to do battle with German beach towels and are masters of the moan, so why can't we bring a bit of va-va-voom to our vocabulary? If a word could be a colour, 'yes' would be the shiny, happy yellow beloved of bathroom ducks, while 'no' would be NHS grey. Just saying 'yes' surrounds you with a gooey glow of goodness, but get in a negative frame of mind and you're more likely to be showered with bad karma. When we're constantly running around agreeing how busy we all are, why does it seem so difficult to let a two-letter word pass our overworked lips? Just think about the time that could be saved in the company of your new one-syllable soulmate. You could work something resembling a 40-hour week, you'd only socialise with people you actually like and trips to relatives would be reduced to weddings and funerals.
Our dilemma can be best summed up in the articulate words of Little Britain's teen terror Vicky Pollard: 'Yeah, but no, but yeah…' We know we want to say it, but it's just so difficult to get it out. If the Grange Hill kids could do it, we are certainly just as plucky as a bunch of precocious prepubescents. Saying 'no' a little more often would make our lives so much more enjoyable. No one would have a spare tyre from too much cake, you wouldn't shell out a fortune joining a gym you never set foot in and you'd never be forced to eat your gran's cream cheese and prune surprise ever again. Just consider how refreshing it would be for your relationship if you and your partner just let the pesky word pass your lips. You'd always be reassured your bum really doesn't look big in your bias-cut satin baby-doll and when he feels the need for a little experimentation in the bedroom, you won't end up hanging from a lampshade braying like a seaside donkey with sunstroke.
And if that isn't enough to turn you to the negative side, take a look at history for a little inspiration. If Ann Boleyn had said 'no' to Henry VIII, she may have kept her head and we wouldn't have to wander round a bunch of old, ruined monasteries. Elizabeth Taylor would have saved herself a fortune on divorce lawyers and Kate Moss would be about a £1 million better off - although she'll definitely be using 'no' a little more often from now on.
There's plenty of opportunity to get into the negative frame of mind. The next time an Indian call centre clogs up your phone line, don't yell down the receiver like a demented banshee, use it as an opportunity to get in a little practice. And when you're wandering down the high street, avoid sprinting across 10 lanes of traffic to evade eye contact with the posse of pavement charity peddlers. Look them in the eye and respond to their every question with your two-letter friend. By this stage you'll feel suitably elated at the new you and will be ready to transfer your skills into more useful aspects of your life.
Being British, this doesn't come without its complications. Firstly you will discover that you are not programmed to utter the word without dressing up its true intent with a few softeners. Avoid tagging on 'not really' or 'I don't think so', or your new assertiveness could just be misconstrued as indecisiveness and you'll get yourself into even more trouble. Words like 'sorry' and 'unfortunately' uttered as a 'no' afterthought are a little more acceptable, as you're not considered difficult, just angst-ridden.
Getting more economical with your English will even leave you with more time to say 'yes' to the things you actually like. As long as this doesn't turn you into a porn starlet or leave you with a wallet full of maxed-out store cards, turning to the negative side may be closer to nirvana than bad karma after all.
