As dainty mince pies appear in bakery windows, Argos Christmas commercials fill the airwaves and Z-list reality-TV stars grin from panto posters, you feel the old, familiar dread. There's no use pretending you enjoy Christmas, and the cheery idiots around you just make it all worse. So how can you survive this season when many iron wills crumble in defeat? Get ready, because you won't be giving up your grump this year. Scrooge caved in, but you don't have to.

Set the rules
First things first. Make it clear to friends, loved ones and colleagues that you don't like Christmas. Avoid all discussion after that, if possible. If pressed, be firm, but polite. And then be firm and bitchy if the 'polite' thing doesn't work. What part of 'no, I would not like to be a part of the office nativity scene' did they not understand? Give yourself a reputation at work if need be - an 'ask me to be in Secret Santa and you'll be pulling Post-Its out of your nostrils for days' kind of reputation.

Home sweet home
You know everyone else really gets into this Christmas thing – even the local council. Decorations on the streets, local schools offering up children singing carols. Ornaments all over the shops, Christmas music playing and special sales everywhere. The horror! Even (sigh) your local pub will have red and/or green and/or gold something-or-others dangling over the sacred space on which your drinks normally rest unhindered. Your only salvation is seclusion. Other than traveling between work and home, omit other excursions. Turn down all invites to parties in the month of December. Don't go to the shopping centre, and after one huge stock-up food shop (including a large side trip to the off licence) limit your shopping to home delivery. Make sure you have enough books and DVDs to last the month.

Go away
Family obligations? Whatever. They ought to know your stance by now, anyway. Seriously, if you can't bear the thought of staying in the UK over Christmas, why not pounce on a cheap deal to some warm island or fly to a country that doesn't celebrate Christmas, and camp out for the worst two holiday weeks. Nothing says 'screw the holidays!' like a December tan. Compromise with your family by arranging a day with them when you get back, so at least they won't be too disappointed!

Gifts? Gag
Clearly, this no time to expect generosity from you - yet a lot of exasperating people will. Say you're going 'traditional' and present them with a nice orange, reminiscent of Victorian times. Or, give to a charity and present your loved ones with cards explaining that their breadmakers and espresso machines will have to wait, as starving people need your money more. That ought to shut them up.

Coping with the kids
Well, here's a weak spot in the plan. If you have kids, of course Christmas is a big time for them, and it would be plain cruel to deprive them, so this, I'm afraid, is where you'll have to compromise. However, if you are going to discover any festive cheer, we guarantee it'll be from your little ones and seeing their faces on Christmas morning. Either that, or you'll be driven mad by torn wrapping paper and new toys all over your lounge floor.

Got your plan together now? Good. We have faith in you. Hold strong to your convictions and you just might come out of the holiday season this year relatively unscathed.

But... if you catch yourself humming White Christmas, don't worry, we won't tell anyone.